One year later, but just the same

Last year, first month, almost exactly one year ago to the day as now, I wrote about the numbness that I have felt. A numbness that has kept me functioning, but also prevented me from experiencing satisfaction.

One year later, and the same is true. I was thinking this evening about how upset this makes me. I don't really feel anything, but on a mental level, I am angry that I can't feel.

I'm angry that I have no choice when I am alone and lonely but to remain lonely until the feeling (one of the few that actually appear) passes.

Is there something about me that needs to change to be the catalyst of feeling again? What can I do? Why does it seem like nobody wants to be around me?

I ask these questions, but I know that nobody will answer them for me. Nobody ever answers. I'm instead left hating myself for feeling less than human. I can't even tell if anyone will read these thoughts, carefully written out, a diary screaming for help, posted on the Internet for the world to see how pathetic I am. Yet I am probably so unimportant in the GRAND SCHEME of the universe, these words will probably never matter to anyone else.

In truth, I write them for me. I've changed recently, too. Recent as in... Over the past few years. I have nothing to fall back upon. Nobody and nothing to petition for help, nobody to blame for my decisions except me. It's incredibly freeing to be rational, and believe in the observable and in lucid, logic based ethical frameworks. It's also scary, having to be honest with myself about my responsibility to others in this regard.

Like most other humans, I am incredibly self centered and selfish in general. I just would rather like to have another person who I could share the good and the bad with. But people are so complex, multifaceted and each with their own unique personalities and back story. Where would I even begin? I start at the surface, because it's what I can see. That's probably the problem, but I don't know what else to do. The surface is part of the package, even if not the most important part.

I am struggling. I have resolved myself to be more bold this year, hoping that by risking more, I may reap some benefit from my efforts. Then again, I had high hopes last year, too, and I know how that ended.

The Game

It had been a surprisingly slow day, considering how Jon was uncertain what to expect. Ever since he discovered X-mode in Able-Ward, and gotten that creepy message saying he had been 'indoctrinated', he had expected that something bad was going to happen, but things had not really changed from what he could tell.

His parents were definitely proud of his achievement. Jon giggled at his own mental joke. Heh, "Achievement Unlocked: Parents' Recognition". Right? But aside from that, he had seen nothing out of the ordinary. His jump drive still showed Able-Ward, not Able-X, as it said in the message he had received. He was starting to think someone was trying to prank him. Probably that stupid... what did the guy say her name was? Jenn? Hacker. That's who she is. Probably tracked my jump drive while that guy fought me, and sent that message too.

After a quick dinner, Jon went back to his room to start work on cyber-field project. If he could create a standalone virtual test zone, then he might be able to complete his homework with his newfound X-mode power. I mean, it's not cheating if I'm just using it to... simplify the process of doing the work I would have done anyway, right?

As he completed some of the last few functions of his cyberscript, he realized something. I never really tested to see if that X-mode thing was real. It may have actually been a trick from hacker hack-his-face and his friend Ms. Hacky Hackington. Maybe I should go back to Able-Ward and make sure that it wasn't just a trick.

Jon decided to begin a jump session into Able-Ward. Upon entering, he was given the usual options: Single-Player, Multiplayer Assault, Multiplayer FFA, and Customize/Craft Room. I guess it's safer to go alone, this time. Just in case this X-mode thing is real, and against the rules. Jon entered the Single-Player loading zone.

Single-Player Sequence Compiling...

Running Campaign Source Code...

Updates downloading...

2848 GB added...

New Abilities Available, see Craft Room for details...

Executable Ready to Launch.

"Run Single-Player Campaign"

The room disappeared around him, and he found himself standing in a field, a short distance from a nearby NPC guarded outpost, leading to the mountain on the other side. A standard starting area.

"Alright. Let's see if this works. Begin X-mode." 

X-mode Sequence Compiling...
*Warning: Improper use of X-mode can cause serious side-effects!*

X-mode Executable Ready to Launch.
Continue?

"I really didn't expect for that to work." The dialog box remained visible, and awaiting confirmation of his launch. "Alright, let's give it a go, but be a bit more careful this time. Run X-mode." 

Jon's avatar disappeared, and he was once again clothed in a simple, but ornate outfit. 

Cortical Visual Drive Activated...
Command Input Ready.

Inbound match notification: 5 minutes preparation time commencing.

"Wait, what? 5 minutes to prepare for... a multiplayer match? But I'm in Single-Player render! I don't... what the hell is going on?" Jon puzzled for a moment about what to do. Ok, anticipate, counter, react. This is my first time using X-mode for any potential combat, and I have no idea who I may be going against, but maybe if I apply my usual strategies it will work out ok. Surely I'm only going to be matched against other people with the same skill as me, right? 

Jon spent a few minutes carefully considering the types of combat that were generally considered possible. There was short-range, such as hand-to-hand combat or melee weapons. There was mid range, such as shotguns, pistols, and a fair number of mid-range skills. There was long range, such as sniper rifles, long-distance skills, and short range skills that can be activated at a distance. For attacking types, there were forward-facing (the more direct confrontational types), ambush (tricky trap using types), and guerrilla (distance and out maneuvering types). Jon took a few minutes to plan for how he would react in each situation, and his method of counterattack based on what he may see when the combat began.

Preparation time over. Match beginning in 20 seconds.

Inbound challenger.

Another player materialized in the campaign space. His clothes were unusual for the area. First of all, he did not wear any Able-Ward armor, but Jon didn't find that surprising since apparently X-mode replaced avatars with the actual person, it seemed. Secondly, though, he did not appear to be wearing an X-mode outfit either, or at least, not if what Jon's outfit looked like was any indication. The other player wore a simple set of jeans, and a white shirt with a blue and white plaid overshirt, and a shell necklace.

".. Uh, hey there." Jon said, not really sure how to react to the other player.

"Hey, man. You must be new. Nice to meet you, I'm Val." Val ran his hand through his dirty blonde hair and smiled, holding out his other hand in greetings.

"Yeah? My name's Jon. Is 'Val' short for something?" Jon asked, shaking Val's hand in response to his unusually polite greeting.

"Yup. It's short for Valor, but I prefer to go by Val. My parents still don't get it, but maybe one day..."

Match start in 3... 2... 1... Begin!

Jon jumped back from Val, and braced himself for an onslaught. He was surprised to see that Val just stood in place, not attacking.

"Whoa, man. You seem a bit jumpy, you alright?" Val asked, looking a bit confused.

"I thought we were fighting." Jon stated, bluntly.

"Oh, yeah, we totally are, but I believe in good sportsmanship. Let's just have a good time. No need to overexert ourselves right? I mean, we both know X-mode is dangerous if used incorrectly." Val seemed really calm about the situation, which was making it hard for Jon to get a read on his motives.

"Well, yeah, it can be, I suppose. I mean, I accidentally knocked myself out when I first activated it." Jon replied, trying to think what Val's intent was. Ok, so clearly he's not a forward facing fighter, and seeing how he's not taking any efforts to go at a distance, perhaps he's an ambush fighter? But what is his angle? I haven't seen him do anything.

"Oh, yeah? I know the feeling. I almost did the same thing my first time. I had no idea what I was doing, suddenly I was surrounded by kittens. It was adorable, but apparently, too much for me."

"Like, really? Kittens? You almost got knocked out by kittens?"

"Not the kittens themselves, really. The strain from trying to render all those kittens at the same time, each with separate personalities, fluffiness, colors, physics interactions. You know, KITTENS." Val said with a jovial laugh.

Suddenly, Jon felt a stinging sensation on the back of his left leg. He couldn't move it. Jon tried to move, but that leg just wouldn't respond. He kept his cool, and tried not to let Val see that he was affected. Damn, looks like he got my leg. So, that's his game. He's trying to lure me into a feeling of comfort and safety while he uses long range skills from point blank range. But how is this even...

Jon then remembered that X-mode gave him the ability to make things happen with just his willpower and his imagination. Of course a long range skill could be used at point blank range. All the user had to do was to imagine the skill activating from a distance out of the enemy's sight. What have I gotten myself into? Maybe I'm not ready for this.

"Hey, so listen, Val. I was thinking, I don't know that I want to fight you. I mean, I was just here for a simple single-player exercise, is all." Jon said, thinking this would be worth a try.

"Oh, nah, man. That's cool, you don't have to fight. It's alright. If you want to surrender, I'm ok with that."

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah. I mean, there's no worries if you'd rather give up X-mode. It's awesome, but you don't really need it. Right? I mean, you're new, so I can't expect you've really found a use for it yet, and the competitive scene for Able-X is kinda harsh the farther you get."

"Whoa, wait. So, if I just concede the fight to you, I'll lose access to X-mode?" Jon asked.

"Oh, definitely. You see, we've got X-mode points, right? So, we can only use X-mode if we have them, but newcomers only start with 1. If you lose your first match, you have to complete the entire main scenario to get a second chance to re-enter Able-X." Val stated, as if the entire situation were common knowledge.

"But I didn't get any warning trying to start X-mode that I was using up a point or anything."

"No, it's not like each time you use X-mode it expends a point. Just that you have to have a point to activate it. And with each additional point you get, your processing power is upgraded."

"Upgraded how?" Jon asked. Val paused for a moment, and then winked.

"I'll give you an example. I've currently got about 12 points, but I don't usually go about using all 12 points worth of processing power, because I'd be at my limit, and probably at risk for going unconscious. But I'll show you the power of 12." Val drew XII in the air with one finger. The number floated midair in light, like a laser on a wall.

Val closed his eyes, and suddenly it became nighttime. A meteor shower appeared overhead, and a star shape appeared on the ground underneath Jon. With his left leg paralyzed, he could not move, and became increasingly worried. The meteor shower suddenly stopped, the blazing stones held, countless, midair. Then they started falling toward him, growing in size. Jon wished he were anywhere else. If only he were farther away, like on the mountain.

Jon appeared on the mountain, and in the distance, looking down at the star-shape in the field below, he saw a bombardment of meteors hit where he had been moments before. Oh, right. It's about imagining the thing you want to have happen. Jon sighed in relief. There was a whisper in his right ear.

"Now you're getting it, but it's no fun if you run away, is it?" Val was standing directly behind him. Jon flinched. How had Val kept up with his sudden disappearance? A shimmering in the air around him caused Jon to jump away, using his right leg to propel him from the cliff. As he jumped, he heard an explosion behind him. This is dangerous. I'm falling, I need to fly.

Jon suddenly found his vertical momentum stopped, while he continued moving horizontally. Val looked up at him from immediately below, now also in flight.

"You should really look where you're going!" Val said, winking again, and disappearing. Jon looked up, just in time to realize that he had flown into a cage. Jon hit the side of the cage, which closed around him. Needles started growing from the lattice woven around him. Jon realized that he was completely outmatched. Then he remembered his strategy. Anticipate, counter, react. It's gotten me this far, I anticipated some things, but I wish I had known more.

Jon imagined himself becoming impenetrable, and simultaneously decided he would take an offensive stance, hoping he'd get lucky.

Command Received... Running...
**WARNING: X-mode processing reaching critical levels.**
**WARNING: Continued X-mode processing could result in dangerous side effects.**

With the last of his processing power, Jon became a bomb. He blew up the spiked lattice around him, exploding with incredible force, and then reappearing outside. He called down rain, but it was not water, but needles of poison, penetrating with each drop, but feeling soothing to the touch.

Val looked at Jon in surprise. "I must say, I'm impressed. You escaped, and made a nice little rainstorm. But now it's over. The match is done. You've lost."

Jon looked back, as pain started to swell in his head. "Rain was how I first learned my limit. And you are right, this is over. But I am not the one who has lost."

Val looked confused, but suddenly, fell over. His body dematerialized. A few sparkling coins lay on the ground where Val's body had been a moment ago.

"Terminate X-mode" Jon stated. He walked over to pick up the coins left behind by Val when he disappeared.

X-mode terminated. New processing power acquired.

System upgrade complete. Resources will be replenished upon relog.

The rain disappeared, and the coins were gone the moment he had touched them.

So, I guess our X-mode points manifest as coins when we lose a fight, or something? How cliché. Still, that was too close. 

Jon's avatar was back, and seemed able to move just fine, now that Valor had been defeated. Jon logged out of Able-Ward, and when he took off his jump drive, he found his left leg was sore. Jon had some difficulty moving it, as if it had just cramped, and it took him a few minutes before he was able to walk around normally again.

"Looks like this is more real than I had anticipated." Jon said to himself, worried about what his future encounters might hold.

Pain free; pain free; pain, free

One of the most challenging things I've faced emotionally has been a crushing numbness that predominates my life.

Clearly, it hurts. Joy, and anything related seem distant even in the moment. Like looking at a beautiful painting, but only through frosted glass.

Fear, sadness, and loneliness are also somewhat distant, but less so. Like listening to music at a volume just soft enough that the words aren't distinguishable, but the melody is.

I find myself longing for relief from this pain. The awkward part is that actually feeling the pain that is likely the source of the numbness would probably relieve it, but the numbness relieves that pain.

So, maybe what I am asking for is a solution to the problem. I don't feel like getting hurt will help, but the status-quo is certainly not helpful.

I am being forced to choose between self destruction and long term suffering, perhaps at my own hands.

I have felt like this for long enough that I can barely recognize where the deep hurt backing me into the corner is coming from. I have a vague sense that my life is dissatisfactory, and the things I would like to have are uncontrollably beyond my reach, but easily within my power to reject should they come close enough.

People. Relationships. Meaning. Closeness. I want it, but not some surface level swill. I don't want acquaintances. I don't like them. It's superficial. It's a social obligation.

So many "friends" on Facebook, maybe you even, but how often do we do things together? If you or I disappeared from each other's lives, would we be truly upset? Would we notice?

I share common struggles with people who I know. Perhaps you, once again. Yet a common struggle, however real, makes poor foundation for more, I find, than an outlet to vent or a shallow agreement that life is imperfect and often cruel.

Another year filled with empty days to look forward to. Some filled with events, others not. Hope: what a nice thing to have. If only.

Happy endings feel so bad

I watched a heartwarming film on Thursday. It was a wonderful story about love that started out as just a random meeting at school. It ended with two of the protagonists ending up together.

I enjoyed this film greatly. Following the usual path of meeting, discovery, awkwardness, and resolution, it was still satisfying.

But the happy ending ended up feeling quite sad for me, personally. I always wanted some companionship, but have grown up in a place where I'm far removed from the kind of scenario shown in that film. Even now, far removed from school, I find myself isolated and quite lonely for the companionship of another.

I'm a little jealous, if I'm honest, of the people that got to experience some kind of young love, or dating, while still in school. I experienced little more than being either in trouble, or being a laughingstock.

I'm older now, my school days are behind me. I can't go back, but then again, if going back meant having to go through all the stuff I went through again, being laughed at and punished for seeking companionship, I wouldn't choose to go back. That is, if it were even an option.

I'm frustrated by my circumstances, but I'm also sure that people would say that if it bothers me that much, I should be doing more to change them. As if it is that simple. Or maybe it is, and it hasn't been enough of a priority yet. Either way it still hurts.

The worst pain I can imagine is the pain felt when my body and soul both hurt and there's nothing that can be done. I'm not exactly there, but these feelings are so strong and so difficult, it figuratively hurts to the point of feeling it physically. Worst of all is that no matter how it hurts, I still find it nearly impossible to cry. Not because I don't want to, but because of the emotional, spiritual, and verbal abuse I experienced in my youth, I can only cry in times of similar levels of torment.

The tears don't come, and so the pain stays where it is, building up, nowhere to escape it. So maybe I should stop reading and watching things with happy endings. After all, not everyone gets one.

More, again

I just want to take a moment to vent.

I am sad. Disappointed, and angry at myself. I never seem to fall for guys I have any chance of being with.

Another crush, probably the most powerful one I've had in a decade has resulted in the truth of the futility of my feelings being made plain again.

Why am I even trying?

My actions proving pointless endeavors, accomplishing not my goals, but yet more cruel torture.

I am having a hard time coping with these feelings. I dare not allow myself to feel them, doing so would thus crush me, destroy me as I would lose what little good I have somehow stockpiled. My endeavors of freedom from debt would vanish as I would become unable to move, much less work.

I dare not numb these feelings, either. To do so will again slay the connection to my emotions. Something hard fought to forge after so many years of practiced avoidance of them.

I desire to scream "please, someone save me", but it would serve no purpose. I desire to yell at the world "someone love me!", but again nothing would be gained.

How am I able to function at all, as broken as I've become? I am less than human. I am less than alive, yet not dead.

My survival rote and I nothing more than a recording, playing back what I have practiced.

This darkness slices through my chest, and all the love, the light, the joy, all the good in my life disappears.

Even telling my family makes no difference. Telling my friends is no more than selfishly burdening them with my problems. They are powerless to help. So why share this pain with them when they hold not the cure?

I want to cry. I want to be held in a warm embrace and be told how desirable I am. I want to be reassured that love is not a pipe dream.

Instead, I lie in the darkness of my room, in a bed that is cold and empty except for myself. In the darkness, all alone, I bask in the emptiness in my heart. The place I so desperately want to fill with love for someone else, festering in my heart. My soul cries out agony in a small whimper. Too damaged to even yell any longer.

I just want someone to look at me. Nobody ever looks at me.
Why can't people see me?
Why have I become invisible?
Have I ever existed?

I will just shut up. Nobody cares about these problems anymore and even if they did, the people who care can do nothing to help. And the people who could help have no reason to do so. They do not see me, and those who see what they think of as me do not see me as desirable.

There is no point. Love is a hopeless endeavor. Should I be fortunate enough one day to be proven wrong I shall rejoice. For now, I've naught but to languish in this festering pain of disconnection and worthlessness.

I hope this pain I endure makes someone happy, as happiness is something I dare not expect to feel again.

The new year

So it's 2015 now. I suppose you could say this is the start of a new year, and in many ways it is. I could also say that this is a year of new things, new phone, new car, new interests for my love life. I suppose I should be pretty excited about all this, but when I think about it, all of these new things bring a lot of risks for me personally.

I now have to deal with car payments for the first time, have to be careful about my phone, certainly don't want it to break, and have to be careful with my heart... I'm worried that's going to break more than anything else.

So I have an interest in somebody, I haven't said anything to this person yet... Except for trying to get to know him, that is. I have no idea if he's going to have any interest in me, or if I have any chance. My biggest concern is that perhaps I may think I have a chance, only to find out I was mistaken (as usual).

I seem to have a bad habit of falling for people that are so totally beyond me. For one reason or another, these people will never be able to return my affections. Sometimes it has to do with a difference in what they are interested in, sometimes our personalities just don't click, and other times there's just no spark between the two of us. If I'm being totally honest, it's probably mostly that first one.

Given my poor luck in trying to find someone to spend my life with, I cannot help but feel nervous. And of course, knowing my history in this area, well, I haven't done the best in the past.

I have pretty big concerns about my emotional state coming up this year. Somehow I've managed to remain relatively stable, somewhat positive, even. I think a big concern is that potentially I could end up going into another bout of depression, one made even worse by another failed, miserably failed attempt to find love.

I have frequently been told that I'm so young I shouldn't be worried about these types of issues. I know that might be the logical thing to think, but the problem is the heart wants what it wants. It may make more sense for me to remain single, just think of all the money I could save, all the freedom I get to have... Admittedly life probably is a lot simpler single. But that's not what I want. I want to have that connection with somebody, that sense of being truly desired by someone else. I understand I might not be the nicest thing to look at, and sure sometimes my personality can get on the nerves of the people around me. Still, I would rather think that if I were to be in a relationship I would have a pretty decent idea how to handle myself in one. Of course my track record, given my previous relationship, do I want to count both of them(?), is not exactly something that people would consider to be in favor of my belief that I can handle a relationship. Minor disasters, surprised I didn't make more enemies actually. One of them resulted in a death, though not exactly while we were still dating. Sigh... But that's a whole separate story.

I don't know what this is going to bring. I certainly hope it ends up being something good, but hope does not typically end up resulting in what I actually experience.

Heard from my biological father for the first time recently. Not actually certain how to handle that relationship yet.

Given that it's been roughly 26 years since I last saw him in person, and since I don't really remember him from that far back, I don't really know how familiar or formal our relationship should be. Only time will tell perhaps. I'm honestly not even certain where I should start with him. How do you say hello to someone that's part of your life, but has never been in your life... Technically speaking I wouldn't be around without him, but I've been around, without him, for 25 years.

I haven't determined how I want to speak to him, no idea what to say first. It is almost as if I I'm afraid to talk to him, as there is the potential that I could really mess things up. Not to mention I have no idea what his beliefs are in relative to important parts of my life, not certain what type of discussion I might need to have with him.

So here is to 2015, I think my new years resolution seems pretty straightforward, and relatively achievable. For 2015, my goal is to not die. That seems reasonable, right? Maybe it's a little bit dramatic, or perhaps a bit too low key? Either way, it's a reasonable goal, and if I fail,  I won't have any ability to complain at that point.

Not quite sure how my life ended up here, but it has been an interesting ride. Can't wait to see what's coming next. Probably best not to look at the end of the track those surprises are best left unknown.

The unreality engine

Steve sighed as he looked upon the folly of his ways. Creating the world's first unreality engine was a mistake. A rainbow drifted lazily past, slicing the flying chocolate tree in half, causing it to regenerate into two separate trees and drop a short of exploding chocolates on the village below.

Truly, the unreality engine was a marvel. Things not normally permitted by the laws of physics become possible, and the limits of the known universe suddenly don't apply.

Steve never realized what a mistake it would be to open up possibilities like those until it was too late. His goal has been noble: solve the energy crisis. This close to the so called end of the world, the famous heat death of the universe hypothesized by top scientific minds, people were desperate to figure out a way for life to go on. Technically, that problem was solved. Steve's solution, however, had the unfortunate side effect of chaos and unbound entropy. His giant ears sagged in disappointment before disappearing entirely.

His aide, Gitzferald, rushed into the room, which had just become a hippopotamus. "Doctor Fawl! I have great news!" He exclaimed. "I think we've come up with a way to stabilize the unreality engine optimization and mitigate the entropy it's causing."

Steve looked up in excitement. The aide then became marshmallows. Steve despaired. Of course it wouldn't be that simple. He attempted to head to his lab. Every step he took made a different sound. He turned the corner, and found himself in his lab. It also appeared that he was now in Tahiti. He asked the assistants what they had discovered, and listened intently as they explained the concept of the entropic vacuum. One even explained that it could potentially randomly become a thing that exists just by the nature of the unreality drive.

The possibilities this would present would be huge. Steve inquired if they had a way to increase the likelihood the entropic vacuum could exist.


"The plan is to build the basic exoskeletal structure of the vacuum, then connect fireworks goblet, meow." The assistant looked surprised as his words suddenly made no sense.

"I suppose even this is possible now." Steve stated, admiring with discontent the way words could not change as they exited the mouths of the speaker.

As he began directing the assistants what to do, the lab began to fill with stilettos. This made coordinating their efforts more challenging. One of the monitors tracing the increase in entropy indicated that the level of danger was rising significantly. The entropic levels had reached high enough to begin affecting other parallel worlds. It was unclear if it may start changing timelines.

As Steve rushed to build their vacuum, the new York city and then we started to see you. This message and the other use of a bit more information contained in this email address, or not sure if we started.

The world seemed unstable, Steve's grip on reality was going on the way of the other day. Something unnerving to see, even though the new solution of the entropic vacuum was nearing completion, he was the way you are.

Out of control, the situation became dire consequences for a lot of the purple. This was how the world ended. Not with an explosion, but with a small, quiet simple dough.