So, I was sitting here, looking at a picture of a friend.
I know that any idea of something happening romantically with that friend is completely out of the question. For that very reason, looking at pictures of this friend hurt. It hurt a lot.
I've been honest with this friend before about how I had a crush on him, and I can only say it was a strange feeling that he appreciated the honesty, but did not feel the same. I was given the opportunity to continue to build that friendship, but was clearly reminded that there was no chance that I would ever have the opportunity to make anything more of it than friendship.
I'd love to say how, after realizing he was off the market, I promptly moved on.
I'd love to say how, after he turned me down, which is entirely appropriate for him, I did not sweat the details, and decided to look for somebody else to go out with, never thinking romantically about this friend again.
I'd love to say all that, but that wouldn't be the truth.
The real truth is that I still have a crush on this friend.
He is a wholesome guy, and handsome.
He has just about everything I've ever wanted, but the one thing he doesn't have is a romantic interest in me.
I won't say that I've wasted my time pursuing him, even knowing that it was futile. I'm not stupid. I realize that I cannot ask for something from him which he cannot give. But I'll be damned if I say I don't have feelings for him, because I do.
I don't really have many friends I spend time with. Sure, I have friends, but I am a busy guy.
Also, I don't really like socializing with anyone. It's exhausting.
On the other hand, I don't really want friends, if I'm being honest.
Ok, that's a bit vague and broad. I'll hone in for a second: I don't want acquaintances, if I can avoid it.
A friend will stay by you regardless of (most) decisions, and care... about you, about your feelings, wanting what is best for you and for the friendship. But this is not what I have in abundance. I have acquaintances.
These are people that it feels normal to hang around, but ultimately the influence or benefits they bring to my life are minimal. The time spent together may be great, but the quality of it never goes much beyond that of a casual relationship where it would not matter much if I saw them or if I did not.
So, what has brought on all this discussion (or rather, I suppose, a monologue shared with a world through my blog)? An event, one that should be (and it certainly is, in a matter of speaking) happy. Another friend of mine is getting married. I was invited. It is quite sweet. And yet, I almost wonder if it would have been better if I had not been invited.
I've been doing what I can to get my life together. Working hard to pay off my bills so I can move out, become a bit more independent, and live a life in a world that isn't easy for anyone.
I told myself that I've given up on the idea of getting into a relationship right now. "I'm too busy to be in a relationship", "relationships take money that I can't afford", and "I'm fine the way I am right now" have been platitudes I have repeated so that I can avoid how I truly feel.
But in honest introspection, now shared with you, I am not really okay with this.
Do I feel good about my position in life? Well, I won't say "no", because that would also be a lie.
Just, not in all the areas I would like.
I feel I'm doing rather well financially, given my age and the difficulty of the work I'm doing.
I feel I'm alright when it comes to some of the other aspects of my life, too...
but matters of the heart are still something which weigh heavily upon me.
In fact, I've been attempting to blind myself to these very truths because of how powerless I feel I am to change any of this. Relationships are two-way agreements. I'm not ready to make that agreement with anyone who I don't find desirable... and even more than that, I find that most people don't find me desirable enough to make that agreement with me. So, I sit alone at my computer, enjoying my youtube and video games. Distractions, to try to keep the darkness at bay.
I don't really feel much, although I have been trying.
The difficulty of trying to feel my emotions is that I haven't felt the less negative emotions strongly in a while, and whenever I search my soul to find those emotions, the strong negativity I feel about myself and my situation are the first to show up.
So, why did I look at my friend's picture when I knew it would hurt?
Because somewhere inside me, I'm still hoping that he will be my prince charming, saving me from what is truly little more than myself, made manifest as a monster out to kill, like the Hyde my emotions have made of me. I still long for the opportunity to fall back into the daydream where that friend is still an option.
Or perhaps I just want to feel depressed again, just to feel... something.
I have coworkers that have suggested that if I truly want a relationship, I have to work for it.
I have to go out and meet people, be social, and interact. I have a hard time with that.
Ideally, I'd be able to go out and be direct with people.
Ideally, I'd go out, and walk up to a guy I want to get to know better who I find attractive and be able to say "I find you attractive, let's talk for a while, because I think there may be a chance that we have things in common and may choose to be in a relationship."
Realistically, if I did that, it would be super awkward for the person I was talking to, and moreover, they would almost guaranteed say "sorry, I'm not into dudes". (I speak from experience here.)
I'm frustrated. I want to feel loved, important, and special.
Instead, I feel like the chances I have to find any of that are gradually fading away.
I understand that I'm young, but I feel terribly inexperienced with love.
I worry that I won't find anyone to be with until I'm in my 40s, 50s, later.
That worry doesn't bother me much on its own, but I feel concerned that if that does happen, I will have so little experience at the time, that everyone else will have already had in their teens and twenties, I will be terribly awkward and it may ruin everything.
Yeah, worrying about the future always makes things worse than they actually are.
I mean, come on! My 40s or 50s!? We're talking that's no less than 15 years from now!
But that's my point. Sure, that's 15 years from now at the earliest, but 15 years is not very long.
Ultimately, coming across people like the friend I was admiring (who is admittedly one of only a handful of people I have had crushes on in a decade), and finding out that I have no chance with them is pretty depressing to me.
I suppose this wouldn't be so bad if he were actually a jerk, but I know him, and he's one of the nicest guys I know. It wouldn't be so bad if I never got to know him, either. But I do, and he is a nice guy, and quite attractive to me.
I don't know who would find me attractive (although I'm not putting it past someone to do so), but I just cannot help but feel as if I don't have a chance in the world of ending up with an attractive, nice guy with a good sense of humor who loves me back. I feel that in most cases, I'm lucky if I can find a guy who meets two of those criteria.
It's lonely here, in my head. I don't want to be alone, and I don't like being alone.
I need my space sometimes, but there is a difference between needing my space and feeling alone.
Right now, I can count all the people who love me.
Right now, I don't even need one hand to count all the people who romantically love me.
I'm not saying romance and that kind of love are more important than that of a close friend or family member... but what I am saying is that those are different. They feel different, look different.
And maybe it's just my negativity talking, but I cannot help but wonder if, perhaps, I don't have what it takes to be loved romantically by anyone. Maybe I will never find someone who I will love and who will love me back. It is a distinct possibility. After all, my dating pool is not very large to start with... and what I am looking for is flexible, but still rather specific.
Not everyone gets to have a happy ending. Some people are lucky just to have a boring ending.
I can try as I might, but it may end up that all I will have is a sad ending.
It pains me to think that it could happen, but stranger things have occurred.
I don't want to die before I've at least been able to experience that small pleasure in life.
Yet, I cannot and do not foresee any chance that I will ever experience that.
And maybe that's just me being pessimistic...
but then again, maybe it's the uncomfortable truth.
