So, I realize that I have been relatively silent about my life recently.
So, here is a quick update about what is happening:
Life is never easy, but trying to balance the most upper level classes required for graduation with all the other obligations I have in my life has been madness. I am glad it's only undergrad classes.
I'm working two jobs, only one of which actually pays me right now.
I am still single, too. This is a highly confusing and frustrating phenomenon to me.
I am often told that my physical appearance has no bearing on it, but I find that difficult to believe at best.
On the other hand, I have recently been fortunate enough to forge a new friendship which has already greatly assisted me in being able to cope with, what I feel has been, a rather mediocre hand dealt to me by life.
As usual, the relationship I have with my step-father is tenuous at best. The fact is, he has repeatedly and maliciously hurt me (emotionally) in the past. While I am quick to forgive (and I have forgiven him), I also do not respect him, and I only trust him to a very limited extent.
He lost my trust when, as a parent, he shirked his responsibilities multiple times and then attempted to place the blame on me.
He lost my respect when, in addition to the above, he has treated me with an occasionally subtle disdain, and passive-aggressive attitude that clearly indicates that he cares more about being "right" than he cares about me.
Since he has not earned any more trust or respect, any interactions between us have been (on my end) a grinding, painful, unpleasant experience.
In other areas, I am quite upset. I can't seem to find a good balance of my time expenditure.
I have heard little from my closest friend, and it has been a turbulent time of late.
Were I asked to choose a word (a single word) to effectively communicate the feelings I have been experiencing lately, it would be impatience.
I am losing patience in many areas. I am having a harder time holding my tongue against my pet peeves. I am becoming increasingly irate at the level of stress that I have been cornered into. Most of all, I am tired of both directly and indirectly being told that I am not worthy of having a romantic interest/life.
What is just so wrong with me that I am not good enough for that?
Why am I left sitting on the sidelines?
Life is hard. Everyone knows it. It's already hard enough for the average person... and I am left here with such a heavy additional burden. It just doesn't feel fair. I'd be angry, if I weren't so sad that I wish I could just abandon it all. Wish that someone would look at me and really SEE ME for once. Wish that the days could pass just a little faster so that this suffering would end sooner.
Ok, so it gets better, they say. But they often fail to mention how every STUPID DAY until then is a complete nightmare, and total disaster. But this is *my* burden, so I really shouldn't complain about it. So, somewhere inside me, it gets bottled up. Locked away so deep inside me that even I cannot reach it most of the time. And why? Not because it doesn't bother me. Not because I don't realize what a joke I seem to be to the world, the people around me, whatever. Not even because I am gradually thinking things are getting better, or because I remind myself that chances are that things won't always be this bad. No, the reason I do it is because I am expected to be okay. I am required (as if part of some sick cosmic joke) to keep going on.
So, that's life. I'm dealing with it because it has been foisted upon me like an unwanted present being regifted.
