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Sunday, July 17, 2016

The Game

It had been a surprisingly slow day, considering how Jon was uncertain what to expect. Ever since he discovered X-mode in Able-Ward, and gotten that creepy message saying he had been 'indoctrinated', he had expected that something bad was going to happen, but things had not really changed from what he could tell.

His parents were definitely proud of his achievement. Jon giggled at his own mental joke. Heh, "Achievement Unlocked: Parents' Recognition". Right? But aside from that, he had seen nothing out of the ordinary. His jump drive still showed Able-Ward, not Able-X, as it said in the message he had received. He was starting to think someone was trying to prank him. Probably that stupid... what did the guy say her name was? Jenn? Hacker. That's who she is. Probably tracked my jump drive while that guy fought me, and sent that message too.

After a quick dinner, Jon went back to his room to start work on cyber-field project. If he could create a standalone virtual test zone, then he might be able to complete his homework with his newfound X-mode power. I mean, it's not cheating if I'm just using it to... simplify the process of doing the work I would have done anyway, right?

As he completed some of the last few functions of his cyberscript, he realized something. I never really tested to see if that X-mode thing was real. It may have actually been a trick from hacker hack-his-face and his friend Ms. Hacky Hackington. Maybe I should go back to Able-Ward and make sure that it wasn't just a trick.

Jon decided to begin a jump session into Able-Ward. Upon entering, he was given the usual options: Single-Player, Multiplayer Assault, Multiplayer FFA, and Customize/Craft Room. I guess it's safer to go alone, this time. Just in case this X-mode thing is real, and against the rules. Jon entered the Single-Player loading zone.

Single-Player Sequence Compiling...
Running Campaign Source Code...
Updates downloading...
2848 GB added...
New Abilities Available, see Craft Room for details...
Executable Ready to Launch.

"Run Single-Player Campaign"
The room disappeared around him, and he found himself standing in a field, a short distance from a nearby NPC guarded outpost, leading to the mountain on the other side. A standard starting area.

"Alright. Let's see if this works. Begin X-mode." 

X-mode Sequence Compiling...
*Warning: Improper use of X-mode can cause serious side-effects!*

X-mode Executable Ready to Launch.
Continue?


"I really didn't expect for that to work." The dialog box remained visible, and awaiting confirmation of his launch. "Alright, let's give it a go, but be a bit more careful this time. Run X-mode." 

Jon's avatar disappeared, and he was once again clothed in a simple, but ornate outfit. 
Cortical Visual Drive Activated...
Command Input Ready.

Inbound match notification: 5 minutes preparation time commencing.

"Wait, what? 5 minutes to prepare for... a multiplayer match? But I'm in Single-Player render! I don't... what the hell is going on?" Jon puzzled for a moment about what to do. Ok, anticipate, counter, react. This is my first time using X-mode for any potential combat, and I have no idea who I may be going against, but maybe if I apply my usual strategies it will work out ok. Surely I'm only going to be matched against other people with the same skill as me, right? 

Jon spent a few minutes carefully considering the types of combat that were generally considered possible. There was short-range, such as hand-to-hand combat or melee weapons. There was mid range, such as shotguns, pistols, and a fair number of mid-range skills. There was long range, such as sniper rifles, long-distance skills, and short range skills that can be activated at a distance. For attacking types, there were forward-facing (the more direct confrontational types), ambush (tricky trap using types), and guerrilla (distance and out maneuvering types). Jon took a few minutes to plan for how he would react in each situation, and his method of counterattack based on what he may see when the combat began.

Preparation time over. Match beginning in 20 seconds.
Inbound challenger.

Another player materialized in the campaign space. His clothes were unusual for the area. First of all, he did not wear any Able-Ward armor, but Jon didn't find that surprising since apparently X-mode replaced avatars with the actual person, it seemed. Secondly, though, he did not appear to be wearing an X-mode outfit either, or at least, not if what Jon's outfit looked like was any indication. The other player wore a simple set of jeans, and a white shirt with a blue and white plaid overshirt, and a shell necklace.

".. Uh, hey there." Jon said, not really sure how to react to the other player.

"Hey, man. You must be new. Nice to meet you, I'm Val." Val ran his hand through his dirty blonde hair and smiled, holding out his other hand in greetings.

"Yeah? My name's Jon. Is 'Val' short for something?" Jon asked, shaking Val's hand in response to his unusually polite greeting.

"Yup. It's short for Valor, but I prefer to go by Val. My parents still don't get it, but maybe one day..."

Match start in 3... 2... 1... Begin!

Jon jumped back from Val, and braced himself for an onslaught. He was surprised to see that Val just stood in place, not attacking.

"Whoa, man. You seem a bit jumpy, you alright?" Val asked, looking a bit confused.

"I thought we were fighting." Jon stated, bluntly.

"Oh, yeah, we totally are, but I believe in good sportsmanship. Let's just have a good time. No need to overexert ourselves right? I mean, we both know X-mode is dangerous if used incorrectly." Val seemed really calm about the situation, which was making it hard for Jon to get a read on his motives.

"Well, yeah, it can be, I suppose. I mean, I accidentally knocked myself out when I first activated it." Jon replied, trying to think what Val's intent was. Ok, so clearly he's not a forward facing fighter, and seeing how he's not taking any efforts to go at a distance, perhaps he's an ambush fighter? But what is his angle? I haven't seen him do anything.

"Oh, yeah? I know the feeling. I almost did the same thing my first time. I had no idea what I was doing, suddenly I was surrounded by kittens. It was adorable, but apparently, too much for me."

"Like, really? Kittens? You almost got knocked out by kittens?"

"Not the kittens themselves, really. The strain from trying to render all those kittens at the same time, each with separate personalities, fluffiness, colors, physics interactions. You know, KITTENS." Val said with a jovial laugh.

Suddenly, Jon felt a stinging sensation on the back of his left leg. He couldn't move it. Jon tried to move, but that leg just wouldn't respond. He kept his cool, and tried not to let Val see that he was affected. Damn, looks like he got my leg. So, that's his game. He's trying to lure me into a feeling of comfort and safety while he uses long range skills from point blank range. But how is this even...

Jon then remembered that X-mode gave him the ability to make things happen with just his willpower and his imagination. Of course a long range skill could be used at point blank range. All the user had to do was to imagine the skill activating from a distance out of the enemy's sight. What have I gotten myself into? Maybe I'm not ready for this.

"Hey, so listen, Val. I was thinking, I don't know that I want to fight you. I mean, I was just here for a simple single-player exercise, is all." Jon said, thinking this would be worth a try.

"Oh, nah, man. That's cool, you don't have to fight. It's alright. If you want to surrender, I'm ok with that."

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah. I mean, there's no worries if you'd rather give up X-mode. It's awesome, but you don't really need it. Right? I mean, you're new, so I can't expect you've really found a use for it yet, and the competitive scene for Able-X is kinda harsh the farther you get."

"Whoa, wait. So, if I just concede the fight to you, I'll lose access to X-mode?" Jon asked.

"Oh, definitely. You see, we've got X-mode points, right? So, we can only use X-mode if we have them, but newcomers only start with 1. If you lose your first match, you have to complete the entire main scenario to get a second chance to re-enter Able-X." Val stated, as if the entire situation were common knowledge.

"But I didn't get any warning trying to start X-mode that I was using up a point or anything."

"No, it's not like each time you use X-mode it expends a point. Just that you have to have a point to activate it. And with each additional point you get, your processing power is upgraded."

"Upgraded how?" Jon asked. Val paused for a moment, and then winked.

"I'll give you an example. I've currently got about 12 points, but I don't usually go about using all 12 points worth of processing power, because I'd be at my limit, and probably at risk for going unconscious. But I'll show you the power of 12." Val drew XII in the air with one finger. The number floated midair in light, like a laser on a wall.

Val closed his eyes, and suddenly it became nighttime. A meteor shower appeared overhead, and a star shape appeared on the ground underneath Jon. With his left leg paralyzed, he could not move, and became increasingly worried. The meteor shower suddenly stopped, the blazing stones held, countless, midair. Then they started falling toward him, growing in size. Jon wished he were anywhere else. If only he were farther away, like on the mountain.

Jon appeared on the mountain, and in the distance, looking down at the star-shape in the field below, he saw a bombardment of meteors hit where he had been moments before. Oh, right. It's about imagining the thing you want to have happen. Jon sighed in relief. There was a whisper in his right ear.

"Now you're getting it, but it's no fun if you run away, is it?" Val was standing directly behind him. Jon flinched. How had Val kept up with his sudden disappearance? A shimmering in the air around him caused Jon to jump away, using his right leg to propel him from the cliff. As he jumped, he heard an explosion behind him. This is dangerous. I'm falling, I need to fly.

Jon suddenly found his vertical momentum stopped, while he continued moving horizontally. Val looked up at him from immediately below, now also in flight.

"You should really look where you're going!" Val said, winking again, and disappearing. Jon looked up, just in time to realize that he had flown into a cage. Jon hit the side of the cage, which closed around him. Needles started growing from the lattice woven around him. Jon realized that he was completely outmatched. Then he remembered his strategy. Anticipate, counter, react. It's gotten me this far, I anticipated some things, but I wish I had known more.

Jon imagined himself becoming impenetrable, and simultaneously decided he would take an offensive stance, hoping he'd get lucky.

Command Received... Running...
**WARNING: X-mode processing reaching critical levels.**
**WARNING: Continued X-mode processing could result in dangerous side effects.**


With the last of his processing power, Jon became a bomb. He blew up the spiked lattice around him, exploding with incredible force, and then reappearing outside. He called down rain, but it was not water, but needles of poison, penetrating with each drop, but feeling soothing to the touch.

Val looked at Jon in surprise. "I must say, I'm impressed. You escaped, and made a nice little rainstorm. But now it's over. The match is done. You've lost."

Jon looked back, as pain started to swell in his head. "Rain was how I first learned my limit. And you are right, this is over. But I am not the one who has lost."

Val looked confused, but suddenly, fell over. His body dematerialized. A few sparkling coins lay on the ground where Val's body had been a moment ago.

"Terminate X-mode" Jon stated. He walked over to pick up the coins left behind by Val when he disappeared.

X-mode terminated. New processing power acquired.
System upgrade complete. Resources will be replenished upon relog.

The rain disappeared, and the coins were gone the moment he had touched them.
So, I guess our X-mode points manifest as coins when we lose a fight, or something? How cliché. Still, that was too close. 

Jon's avatar was back, and seemed able to move just fine, now that Valor had been defeated. Jon logged out of Able-Ward, and when he took off his jump drive, he found his left leg was sore. Jon had some difficulty moving it, as if it had just cramped, and it took him a few minutes before he was able to walk around normally again.

"Looks like this is more real than I had anticipated." Jon said to himself, worried about what his future encounters might hold.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Pain free; pain free; pain, free

One of the most challenging things I've faced emotionally has been a crushing numbness that predominates my life.

Clearly, it hurts. Joy, and anything related seem distant even in the moment. Like looking at a beautiful painting, but only through frosted glass.

Fear, sadness, and loneliness are also somewhat distant, but less so. Like listening to music at a volume just soft enough that the words aren't distinguishable, but the melody is.

I find myself longing for relief from this pain. The awkward part is that actually feeling the pain that is likely the source of the numbness would probably relieve it, but the numbness relieves that pain.

So, maybe what I am asking for is a solution to the problem. I don't feel like getting hurt will help, but the status-quo is certainly not helpful.

I am being forced to choose between self destruction and long term suffering, perhaps at my own hands.

I have felt like this for long enough that I can barely recognize where the deep hurt backing me into the corner is coming from. I have a vague sense that my life is dissatisfactory, and the things I would like to have are uncontrollably beyond my reach, but easily within my power to reject should they come close enough.

People. Relationships. Meaning. Closeness. I want it, but not some surface level swill. I don't want acquaintances. I don't like them. It's superficial. It's a social obligation.

So many "friends" on Facebook, maybe you even, but how often do we do things together? If you or I disappeared from each other's lives, would we be truly upset? Would we notice?

I share common struggles with people who I know. Perhaps you, once again. Yet a common struggle, however real, makes poor foundation for more, I find, than an outlet to vent or a shallow agreement that life is imperfect and often cruel.

Another year filled with empty days to look forward to. Some filled with events, others not. Hope: what a nice thing to have. If only.