Emotional geometry

Here I am.
I am a point.
A place in space, coordinates unknown to me, but there nonetheless.

I'm travelling through my life, look at my ray.
My ray, a point I am, travelling through space.
I leave this ray behind me. It is a path I have traveled.
See that point on the other end of the ray?
That point was who I was. The point I used to be, but my coordinates have changed.

My life is this polygon.
Observe these beautiful curves.
These Béziers, all those times when the points I am have travelled along a smooth but twisted path.
All the turns, but all the good times within them.
I was at peace.

Look at these angles!
They are so sharp!
The anger, the blame!
Such negativity. See it turn inward, over here it turns outward.
My life, my polygon's area becomes smaller with inward anger.
Look at how my polygon interferes when my anger shot outward.
All these other points, these other people.
The people and their rays, the polygons of their own lives.

Like chains, we're linked, our relationships define us, in part.
Alone, I am but one polygon.
Together, my relationships, these combined polygons, we make something more.

Oh, but look how these polygons interfere.
See this negativity from that polygon?
Someone else's line, thrusting itself into the pattern I am weaving.
Look how it changes the pattern.
The bigger picture is distorted by these places.
The polygon I form is less beautiful now.
That polygon and my own were not meant to overlap there.
I can see it in the pattern.

Oh, the agony of the form. What was beautiful is now tragic, but still beautiful.
Beautiful because of the pain.
Beautiful because of the scribble disrupting the form.
See how my polygon is now disjointed.
It is sad, but makes the picture drawn more real.
It's real because it has flaws. Nothing is perfect.

What path is my ray going to take?
Where am I, as a point, going to go?
How will my geometry change?

Can you see the deviation in the color of the line I make?
See how I go from black to red, to blue, to any assortment!
This geometry with unseen variables, but they are color!
A warm yellow, defined by the times of joy.
A sad blue, defined by the sadness.
A red for the passion, for the anger, for the love.
No, no. But the problem is that my point's colors change like they do.
See how my polygon is so blue?
See how my polygon is so red?
Here, I find myself, a point, reviewing from a new vertical axis my ray, my polygon.
All those painful times when I was sad. All the painful times when I was angry.
I have become three dimensional, but I feel I have lost part of who I am.
I'm not just a point, my life not just a 2D plane in between the vertices.

Yet I am still also a point. My life is still a polygon. My past is still a ray.
I'm seeing a larger whole, but I don't understand it just yet.
I seek another point to travel beside. Perhaps the picture I paint will be brighter colors.

But look at all the polygon, all the object, all the rays, all my vertices...
My vertices, the turning points of my life. Things change.
I'm still travelling my ray, and it is now blue, and I observe that many times, my ray was gray.
Gray, feeling emotionless. Apathic, stoic, numb.
Was I trying to protect myself?
Was I trying to protect others?
Even so, the vibrancy is lost.
Look as the fill color becomes muddy and desaturated.

Look at all those brighter colors that become pastel.
I don't like pastels. They don't seem genuine.
See, all those times I was pretending to be happy.

Do you pity me?
Do you understand?
Do you despise me?
Do you scoff at me?
Do you care?

What do I want?
Pity? Understanding?
What I want is love.
I can make my own happiness... but love is a complicated thing.

My emotional geometry seems broken.
Calculations that make no sense.
My normals are inverted, I reflect no light here on these faces.
My normals are regular, I show these colors on these faces.
How is this so?
I am twisted up inside.

Hear these words, and although you may not understand, know that it is all true.
Genuine, honest, real.
Here I give you a peek at my heart, ripped apart by myself and others.
Here I give you a taste of my soul, drifting in a sea of emotion alone.

Hurting, anger, healing?

So, recently I have been seriously fluctuating between emotions.

As the result of decisions made in the past (not all of them my own), I find myself saddled with unnecessary anger and resentment about certain things (those who know me know what things).

I've been trying to think of what I can do to channel this negative energy into something productive.
See, anger isn't itself always a bad thing. Sometimes, it can be a powerful force for change which is for the good... the problem with anger is that often it blinds us to reason, causing us to use that energy instead for revenge or petty squabbles (becoming a powerful force for change that is for the worse).

So, I've been... we can say meditating, I suppose, upon not just the feeling, but on the reason why I have the feeling... on what I can DO with that feeling. (Just meditating on the feeling would be putting me perilously close to being blinded by the anger and doing rash things, like I mentioned above.)

Honestly, this emotion this time cannot just disappear. It's justified. I have every right to be angry. Normally, I let my anger pass, and I forgive and move on. However, this time, it's justified in more ways than one. Instead of the anger being based on something that happened that affected me for the moment, it is based upon something that happened to me that will affect me for the rest of my life... and that's the kind of thing that no matter where you turn, it will show up again sooner or later.

So, the question is, where do I expend this emotion?
I haven't figured it out, yet. I'm not sure I can ever find a truly positive way to use this anger, except to fight to make sure that as few people as possible go through what I have, and to do something expressive to release the negativity.

For the sake of expressing my emotions so they don't overwhelm me, I have decided I would write a short story, or a poem. If you want to read it, I'll be linking it here, when it's finished.

I think I have learned something about the consequences of people's actions from this whole... life.
All actions a person takes are permanent. None of them can be undone. Some can be reversed, and some cannot, but they cannot be undone. It happens once and you can't turn back time (except if you're in science fiction).

I had always kept this in mind when choosing what I said to people. After all, words are either bullets, ornaments, or bandages. Bullets if they're used to hurt (once said, you can't take it back, just like firing a bullet from a gun). Ornaments if they're nothing more than decoration. Bandages if they are used to heal a hurt that someone has experienced.

Now I'm thinking more critically about my actions too. I have done my best for... most of my life, at least, to only do things that would cause the least amount of harm (and when applicable, the most amount of good).
And although my intentions have almost always been measured, now I'm thinking about what small and seemingly innocuous actions I take can potentially devastate others. And how long they could be hurt by these things. Even though the thing that has bred in me this anger I feel was by no means a small thing, it could be mistakenly seen as such. And that is exactly how it was seen... by everyone except me. To me, I feel that I should be the one to make decisions about my body, not anyone else... and that's part of why I have cast off the shackles of body image issues... or at least, body image issues caused by suggestions of how I "should" look to be "attractive".

So, will I ever heal from this? I don't know.
Have I learned something? Yes, but it makes me nervous.
I don't even know when I could potentially be hurting someone and don't know it.
On the other hand, I do trust my intuition of others' emotions, so I will attempt (as usual) to do as little harm as possible. The only potential roadblock to that is that some people never reveal how they feel... those who hold everything inside and never express themselves are much harder to read. (Not impossible, just difficult.)

So, am I angry? I'm not, and I am... but I vow to focus where I can on being a positive person.
Life is hard enough, relationship are hard enough... without being angry at everyone.

This is the poetry I mentioned above.