The new year

So it's 2015 now. I suppose you could say this is the start of a new year, and in many ways it is. I could also say that this is a year of new things, new phone, new car, new interests for my love life. I suppose I should be pretty excited about all this, but when I think about it, all of these new things bring a lot of risks for me personally.

I now have to deal with car payments for the first time, have to be careful about my phone, certainly don't want it to break, and have to be careful with my heart... I'm worried that's going to break more than anything else.

So I have an interest in somebody, I haven't said anything to this person yet... Except for trying to get to know him, that is. I have no idea if he's going to have any interest in me, or if I have any chance. My biggest concern is that perhaps I may think I have a chance, only to find out I was mistaken (as usual).

I seem to have a bad habit of falling for people that are so totally beyond me. For one reason or another, these people will never be able to return my affections. Sometimes it has to do with a difference in what they are interested in, sometimes our personalities just don't click, and other times there's just no spark between the two of us. If I'm being totally honest, it's probably mostly that first one.

Given my poor luck in trying to find someone to spend my life with, I cannot help but feel nervous. And of course, knowing my history in this area, well, I haven't done the best in the past.

I have pretty big concerns about my emotional state coming up this year. Somehow I've managed to remain relatively stable, somewhat positive, even. I think a big concern is that potentially I could end up going into another bout of depression, one made even worse by another failed, miserably failed attempt to find love.

I have frequently been told that I'm so young I shouldn't be worried about these types of issues. I know that might be the logical thing to think, but the problem is the heart wants what it wants. It may make more sense for me to remain single, just think of all the money I could save, all the freedom I get to have... Admittedly life probably is a lot simpler single. But that's not what I want. I want to have that connection with somebody, that sense of being truly desired by someone else. I understand I might not be the nicest thing to look at, and sure sometimes my personality can get on the nerves of the people around me. Still, I would rather think that if I were to be in a relationship I would have a pretty decent idea how to handle myself in one. Of course my track record, given my previous relationship, do I want to count both of them(?), is not exactly something that people would consider to be in favor of my belief that I can handle a relationship. Minor disasters, surprised I didn't make more enemies actually. One of them resulted in a death, though not exactly while we were still dating. Sigh... But that's a whole separate story.

I don't know what this is going to bring. I certainly hope it ends up being something good, but hope does not typically end up resulting in what I actually experience.

Heard from my biological father for the first time recently. Not actually certain how to handle that relationship yet.

Given that it's been roughly 26 years since I last saw him in person, and since I don't really remember him from that far back, I don't really know how familiar or formal our relationship should be. Only time will tell perhaps. I'm honestly not even certain where I should start with him. How do you say hello to someone that's part of your life, but has never been in your life... Technically speaking I wouldn't be around without him, but I've been around, without him, for 25 years.

I haven't determined how I want to speak to him, no idea what to say first. It is almost as if I I'm afraid to talk to him, as there is the potential that I could really mess things up. Not to mention I have no idea what his beliefs are in relative to important parts of my life, not certain what type of discussion I might need to have with him.

So here is to 2015, I think my new years resolution seems pretty straightforward, and relatively achievable. For 2015, my goal is to not die. That seems reasonable, right? Maybe it's a little bit dramatic, or perhaps a bit too low key? Either way, it's a reasonable goal, and if I fail,  I won't have any ability to complain at that point.

Not quite sure how my life ended up here, but it has been an interesting ride. Can't wait to see what's coming next. Probably best not to look at the end of the track those surprises are best left unknown.