One year later, but just the same

Last year, first month, almost exactly one year ago to the day as now, I wrote about the numbness that I have felt. A numbness that has kept me functioning, but also prevented me from experiencing satisfaction.

One year later, and the same is true. I was thinking this evening about how upset this makes me. I don't really feel anything, but on a mental level, I am angry that I can't feel.

I'm angry that I have no choice when I am alone and lonely but to remain lonely until the feeling (one of the few that actually appear) passes.

Is there something about me that needs to change to be the catalyst of feeling again? What can I do? Why does it seem like nobody wants to be around me?

I ask these questions, but I know that nobody will answer them for me. Nobody ever answers. I'm instead left hating myself for feeling less than human. I can't even tell if anyone will read these thoughts, carefully written out, a diary screaming for help, posted on the Internet for the world to see how pathetic I am. Yet I am probably so unimportant in the GRAND SCHEME of the universe, these words will probably never matter to anyone else.

In truth, I write them for me. I've changed recently, too. Recent as in... Over the past few years. I have nothing to fall back upon. Nobody and nothing to petition for help, nobody to blame for my decisions except me. It's incredibly freeing to be rational, and believe in the observable and in lucid, logic based ethical frameworks. It's also scary, having to be honest with myself about my responsibility to others in this regard.

Like most other humans, I am incredibly self centered and selfish in general. I just would rather like to have another person who I could share the good and the bad with. But people are so complex, multifaceted and each with their own unique personalities and back story. Where would I even begin? I start at the surface, because it's what I can see. That's probably the problem, but I don't know what else to do. The surface is part of the package, even if not the most important part.

I am struggling. I have resolved myself to be more bold this year, hoping that by risking more, I may reap some benefit from my efforts. Then again, I had high hopes last year, too, and I know how that ended.