The truth about trust

"Now I will tell you what I've done for you. 50,000 tears I've cried..."

-Evanescence (Going Under)

So, trust is a difficult topic for me.
When I think about who I trust, and with what, I realize that I don't really
know what to think most of the time.

Most of the time, I play with trust on the safe side. If I don't know with certainty
that I can trust someone with something, I simply won't do it. It's possible that
not trusting people has, in a way, been a defense I've developed.

As I think about the many times I've trusted people, though, I realize that there
is a good reason why I have difficulty trusting people. There are many people
who are unreliable, and many people who are showing a facade to the ones
around them.

I am one of those people, for that matter. I'm not really unreliable, but I hide
who I am under the mask of obscurity many times. I'm not really 'hiding', I tell
myself. I'm just not revealing all there is to show. But isn't that just like hiding?

The thing is, I've been hurt in the past, and many times I would rather deal with
the pain of hiding stuff about myself than deal with the bothersome problems that
occasionally come from the honesty about revealing details about myself.

It's so stupid, and it's so strange. The people that I have been told my whole life
that I should be able to trust have often been the ones I could trust the least.

Parents? Well, my mom I could trust, but for a while I wasn't sure.
My step-dad... HA! I still can't trust him. I've been hurt too many times.
He isn't worth my trust. He doesn't deserve my trust, and I won't apologize
for that position. He lost it, and every time I gave him the benefit of the doubt,
he wasn't on my side when it mattered most.

Friends? Well, I have a few which I trust implicitly. The problem with friends
was always that I couldn't trust that they would stay around. I don't want to be
negative where it isn't really a big deal, but... let's just say that in my personal
experiences, "best friend" was the best title to give to someone if I wanted them
to leave. Even now, my "best friend" isn't around anymore. And I'll admit right
here that I am very sad, and even a bit angry (somewhere) that he left. As my
friend, though, I would like him to be happy... and he is now. It's the kind of
happiness that I couldn't ever give him. No matter how hard I tried. So I try not
to be angry about it. However, it still leaves me alone when sometimes I need
that physical person that I can hold and be honest with. And maybe even cry
as I talk to them.

Christians? See, as a Christian, I've always been told that honesty was the best
idea. That I should be transparent about my good and my bad. That I should
trust the people around me that also claim to be Christian. The sad thing is,
I've had better experiences with many of my non-Christian friends than with
most of the Christian people I have known. How often have I, in the past,
against my better judgment, spoken candidly to my Christian friends? Many
times, when I have, I've received a mixed bag. Everything from the realization
that they're not really interested in what I'm going through, to them actively
hating who I am. Very few times has it resulted in a pleasant exchange of the
truths about each of us.

So, naturally, I should have expected the reactions I have gotten recently.
When I put my guns down, lowered my defenses, and opened my heart to
some Christians who I felt could be friends, in spite of known differences of
opinion.

Yet, the wind was totally knocked out of me with the suggestion that the
life I live is fundamentally messed up in a way that for these 'friends' is not an
issue. Like love is an addiction that should be viewed with contempt if it
doesn't fit into their mold for how it should look.

I lost sight of myself for a while, but eventually got back. (Honestly, it was
thanks to my best friend, physically absent as he was, and my "protector" by
the name of Zack.)

Zack has asked me, "why do you keep letting them do this to you?"
and I realized that I volunteer myself to to be slapped around like this far more
often than is healthy. I felt really bad for Zack when he said he felt that he
had "failed to protect [me] from the pain that [I] went through". He thought
he should have stepped in... but he was trying to give me a chance. I just
wasn't strong enough.

Honesty may be the best policy, but apparently trust is something that I can't
just pass out to the people around me, even if they are the ones I've been
assured I can trust.

Is it any surprise that my relationships tend to be lightweight?
I can't just trust people with things that could be used to hurt me... but it's the
private and painful things I share with others that helps be grow closer to them.

Part of it is that I don't want to get close to people, because people I get closer
to hurt me. Sometimes right away, sometimes down the line. There are people
I'm only acquainted with, too. These people, I don't want to trust with my life.
Sad news is that sometimes, my acquaintances I don't want to trust are the most
trustworthy of them all. Just, not the type of people I want to spend much time
around.

I would love to simplify my life. But I'm not sure what all would be needed.
Should I keep the people I trust? What if I trust them, but don't want to be
around them anymore? Should I get rid of the people that I can't trust, or those
who bring me down or cause me to feel confused?

I just don't see a place where I can clearly cut ties to the people I know.
Likewise, I'm not sure I want to stay in a relationship with people.

So, the truth about trust is that it's a double-edged sword.
I can't get close to someone without it, and I can't risk using it because
it can cause me more pain than if I don't. I feel trapped, and I know why...
but the explanation is so unsatisfying.

"Here in the darkness, I know myself. Can't break free until I let it go. Let me go! Darling I forgive you after all. Anything is better than to be alone. And in the end, I guess I had to fall- always find my place among the ashes. I can't hold on to me, wonder what's wrong with me?"

-Evanescence (Lithium)

So, I'm thinking that perhaps, I'm going to write a short story soon.
Fiction finds itself based upon the truths that cannot be hidden.
Pain, love, and life. Everything is ubiquitous. So I will write, and share in the best
way I know how. Safely wrapped up in the security of the loss of details... while
still bearing for the world to see the feelings I have within me.