Hurtful reality

You may or may not have realized this, but sometimes life is the worst.

I can think of many times in which life has treated me right, but there come times when occasionally, I meet the point where life has decided (for whatever reason) to thrash me up one side and down the other.

As many of my friends know, I'm not on pleasant terms with my step-father. We have had a very rocky relationship for the longest time. Many times he has said "I love you", but few times has he shown it.

Tonight is one of the worst nights I have had in years. Ever since I was 11 years old, I've been lectured on who I should be and why by the people around me. Some of those people I cared about, like my grandmother. Others I cared nothing about them, like my vice-principals.

Tonight, my step-father decided to confront me on some very basic thoughts I have on both my life as a whole as well as my spiritual walk. For about 20 minutes, we were involved in a gradually escalating argument, which ultimately resulted in my mother intervening to bring to a halt. This did not occur, however, until my step-father used the name of my best friend (who had lived with us and recently moved out to be with his fiancee, causing me great sadness knowing he was moving and also great joy knowing he would be happy) as an insult. A slur, calling me by my friend's name to insult me, and simultaneously insulting my best friend and most important relationship.

Everyone has moments when they are hurtful to others. Sometimes it is an intentional thing, sometimes it is not. However much I would like to believe that my step-father didn't mean to be hurtful, I know that he was... at least when he made his last comment (the insult using my friend's name). Many times I have forgiven my step-father for being a man who desires respect, but gives none (or very little). Many more times I have forgiven my step-father for teaching me through his actions and his words that I am not a good person. More times, even, have I forgiven him for actions he took that involved him shirking his responsibilities as a parent. I am a forgiving person, because of the pain I have felt it comes in my nature.

Tonight, however, was a terrible blow. After weeks of feeling isolated, as if I had nobody to talk to, feeling forgotten and alone, the fatal blow is that my step-father sees fit to argue with me, and ultimately make veiled commentary about how I'm a terrible person, and how I shall be going to hell.

So, for those of you who do not know how arguments with my step-father go, let me give you the outline:

1) An issue is brought up. Whichever party does this does not matter, for this is just the start.
2) Now that the issue is at hand, expect my step-father to tell you his unsolicited opinion.
3) You may now provide your opinion, feel free to insert it here.
4) He will now provide you his opinion, and make an argument against yours, and probably include an ad-hominem or straw man fallacy with it. Also, expect at least one non-sequitur argument here.
5) You have many options at this point, respond however you wish.
6) Now that you have responded expect him to ignore any points you make, and make an argument using a logical fallacy that is known as denying the antecedent. Also, expect him to accentuate his argument with another non-sequitur.
7) If you make a rebuttal here, go on to step 8.
8) Now ignoring whatever you just said, or taking it out of context (eg. straw man), you can expect him to suggest that anything you have mentioned based on what he has said was your fault. (Eg. if he said something first, such as "all oranges are red in Canada", and later you tried to mention that according to him all oranges are red in Canada, he will imply that you suggested that, not him.) If you did not comment on anything he just said move on to 10.
9) He is now going to tell you that he doesn't need to provide a logical reason for anything he has been arguing, because he's automatically correct. (He is automatically correct because he's not going to claim responsibility for believing something, but rather pawn responsibility on someone with more authority, such as "God says so.")
10) At this stage, he now will make references to his proof, without having any knowledge of his proofs, and also without presenting any of them. However, he expects you to claim them as true, valid, and legitimate in spite of the lack of evidence to support him.
11) You may now make a counter argument, however he will interrupt you two words into it, and prevent you from saying anything in your defense.
12) He will now repeat everything he has said, and/or make a claim that you have been putting words into his mouth (which, I might add, is true... however, the words you're putting in his mouth are his own)
13) You may now attempt to call him out on his logical fallacies, or continue to make arguments, however know that if you do anything other than agree with him or let him win by ending the argument (you stop talking and walk away), he will continue to contradict you and himself in every way, while still making references to his proofs that he knows nothing about and has not presented.
14) You may repeat steps 2-13 as many times as you would like here, he is more than happy to continue spouting nonsense, telling you what he thinks, and ignoring or attacking you.
15) If someone intervenes, congratulations, you have lost, and he will make sure to get the last word.
16) If nobody intervenes, congratulations, you have not won, return to step 2 unless he gets angry, in which case move on to step 17.
17) He is now angry, expect him to yell as loudly as he can directly at you for as long as possible until you shut up. If you do not shut up, repeat steps 2-13 with 17 as part of each step. If you do shut up, proceed to step 18.
18) You have shut up, he will now insult you, remind you that he is right and that you are wrong, and essentially slap you in the face verbally one more time, adding insult to injury. He gets the last word. If you attempt to respond to his last word, return to step 3.


So, what do I find the most hurtful about his attitudes, and specifically his arguments? There are several things, but they are as follows (but in no particular order): he's family (and therefore should be supportive, but instead is destructive), he's stubborn (he ultimately follows the logical fallacy of Circular reasoning), and he's prideful (thus even if you have proven him wrong in no uncertain terms and have put the proof directly in front of him, he will still assert that he is correct). It comes down to the fact that more often than not, I feel like he doesn't love me, but rather he feels obligated to do anything he does because he doesn't want his wife to divorce him.


How am I to take any of this? Ultimately, I do not know. I cannot talk to him, for he won't listen. I could leave, but to do that requires financial stability that I do not currently have. I could ignore that all this has happened, but that's simply putting off until tomorrow dealing with this situation.


It comes down to this: in the most fragile time in my life that I have had in the last 4 years (and one of the most fragile times I've ever had), my step-father has once again proven that I might as well not exist. The sad part is, on a very deep level, I believe him. I feel little or no connection to the people around me. Everyone I have cared about in the past (aside from my mother, sister, grandfather, and grandmothers) have left me, treated me horribly (starting at some random point, and then continuing on indefinitely), or have stood idly by while my life has fallen to pieces while laughing at me.


I am anguished, saddened, deeply hurt and emotionally scarred. Before, I had little self-worth, but I felt confident that it was all imaginary. I had determined that I could overcome my deficiencies and be worth something. Now, I'm facing a point where I don't want to feel worth, I don't see any worth, and I'm being told that I'm worthless. More and more, I feel like an imposition on those around me, and like a leech rather than a friend.


I have started to wonder why I bother with trying to be nice to people. If good things and bad things happen to both good and bad people, what reason do I have to be good when it requires so much more of me?


I have for the past several months, perhaps even a bit more than a year (as time gets a bit fuzzy to me in this regard), felt stoic. Most of the time, I have had no feelings at all. The few times I have genuinely felt emotions they were negative over 90% of the time. For the sake of others around me, I have pretended as if I felt. When they expected happiness, I pretended I was happy. When they expected me to be surprised, I was surprised. When I was expected to be excited, that is what I would pretend to be. When I was expected to be sad, I was not (but it came across as being strong). When I was expected to feel normal (status quo, neither bad or good, just ok), I was truly either sad, or angry but I never let these things show.


There has been a song on my mind and heart lately. "Missing" by Evanesence. The lyrics say "you won't cry for my absence, I know. You forgot me long ago. Am I that unimportant? Am I so insignificant? Isn't something missing? Isn't someone missing me? Even though I'm the sacrifice, you won't try for me, not now. Though I'd die to know you love me, I'm all alone." This is how I have felt. So strongly have I felt exactly like this that for the past several months, I have listened to this song back-to-back over 100 times. To such a degree that I even wrote a story which relates to how I've felt: Seth.


All I have ever asked of those around me are a few simple things:
1) Respect me! I will try to respect you, please show me the same courtesy!
2) Love me! You don't have to be there for me all the time, but please show you care!
3) Be polite to me! Some things are rude, like cancelling plans at the last minute, for example, please try to avoid doing these things. If you can avoid stuff that is rude, please put forth some effort!
4) Be honest with me! I would rather you be a little hurtful and honest than lie to me to "protect me". However, I ask that when you are being honest, you also follow 1-3, being respectful, loving, and polite.
5) Seek me. I'm not difficult to find. If I have expressed a desire to hang out with you at all, please come looking for me. Spend time with me if ever you can. I might not be able to do it all the time, but at least try to connect with me.


These are not difficult things to do most of the time, and yet I cannot help but find them missing in my relationships. There has been a place where I have recently been finding an astonishing amount of inconsistency. At my college, there is a group I attend. I am trying to become more integrated with them, and I feel I'm doing a great job! However, in the individual relationships of the smaller group (part of the larger group at the college), there has been a huge problem regarding the lack of #3-5. Some have been rude, some haven't been quite honest, and some have been seemingly avoiding me.


What does this lead to? A life, which I am living, in which meaningless things are now the only reason I care to live at all. I have come to a place where I only find myself staying alive with the idea of "if I were to die now, I would miss out on all the cool video games coming out later this year". Were it not because of meaningless things like that I'd be praying for a swift death!!! Literally praying for one! I've come to thoughts of self-mutilation! The only thing I've been able to do to keep those thoughts at bay is think "It would be very hard to hide the scars that resulted from that, and it might make me less attractive to other people, which is something I don't want, considering I have enough going against me already." These are the thoughts that I've had! WHY!? 


I needed to write this tonight. Maybe if someone out there who reads my blog reads this, they'll understand me better. I'm not going to kill myself, I'm not going to harm myself physically. I am, however, breaking down inside. My soul is dying, and I can't stop the decay. I'm feeling less and less like a real person daily. My emotions are now all minimal, if they exist at all. My friendships and relationships are something I don't feel invested in (I wouldn't miss any of my family if I were to move). I'm feeling like there is no reason for me to be alive except that I want to be alive, and for the most trivial reasons.


So, I ask of you all, anyone who is reading this:
please, don't let this happen to anyone else.


I feel I am already a lost cause. I don't think anyone can ever heal the emotional and spiritual wounds I have suffered, and I don't expect anyone to try, either. All I ask is that you would daily try to keep each other in mind. Do not let those you know slip into this oblivion. I cannot describe its darkness, for it feels as if life itself is all nothing but pain.


There is only one good thing which I have received from all the pain I've felt and all the sadness I've endured: as I have lost the ability to feel, I have gained a physical resistance to pain. No pain I feel physically can compare to the pain I have felt emotionally. I wish I had experienced physical pain instead, for unlike the wounds I have suffered... physical wounds heal with time, and scars eventually fade.