Prince Sadim and the silver tongue

There once was a prince named Sadim, who despite his wealth was always hungry for more silver. So it was with great luck that one day, he found a djinni imprisoned in a bottle that was among his great wealth. The djinni, powerless to refuse the demands of the prince, asked what it was the prince wanted. Immediately, prince Sadim asked for eloquence to persuade others to give him silver.

The djinni agreed, and granted this power to the young prince. With his silver tongue, he was able to persuade anyone. He went around his kingdom demanding things from everyone within. Though his subjects had paid their taxes, with just a word they gladly gave up their money, even to the point that they no longer had enough to live.

Overjoyed with his new wealth, leeched off the people he spoke to that day, he returned to his palace. He was greeted by a beautiful princess of a neighboring land. He had long desired to be with her, and arrangements between their families had been discussed for a fortnight. With his new power, he demanded she marry him unconditionally, and unable to say no, she approached her father that night and insisted she be allowed to marry him without concern for their own country.

Pleased with his sudden good fortune, the prince went to bed without dinner, dreaming of his ever-growing wealth. In the morning, the prince was surprised to find that his attendants were nowhere to be seen. As he stepped out of his bedroom, he came upon a most terrible sight. The princess to whom he was to be wed was just outside his door, reaching forward as if to knock, but frozen in place and made of pure silver.

The servants in the courtyard were made of silver, and every last subject he had spoken to the day before was an unmoving and glorious silver statue. He searched for his father, but he was missing. As the day drew on, his hunger got the best of him. Sadim sat to eat a meal, but the moment a morsel touched his tongue, it turned to stone. Brilliant bread, glistening grapes, shining sausages, silver all.

Parched, starving, and terrified, the prince located the bottle of the djinni who had given him this power. Begging, he asked that the djinni free him of this curse. The djinni, seeing this as its opportunity, agreed on the condition that he be set free from the bottle. The prince agreed, and set the djinni free.

"Go to the mouth of the river, and drink. Take with you soap, and wash your mouth thoroughly. Only then will you free yourself of this curse." The djinni laughed as it departed.

So the prince went to the river, and scrubbed his mouth free of the silver tongue. As he did, the things which had turned to silver transformed back to their original states. Thinking his troubles over, the prince returned to his palace. But there he found the princess, his servants, and all the subjects of the land. They all scowled at him, some bearing weapons, and others shouting curses.

For although they were no longer silver, they still remembered how he had used his silver tongue to coerce them into doing things they did not want to do, because a word spoken cannot be taken back.

What awaits the morning dew

It was a typical day in the town. Everyone going about their business, as usual. Albert kissed his daughter goodbye as she left for the bus stop. After finishing his oatmeal, Albert got ready for work, in his usual blue suit and tie and got into his car.

30 minutes, that was his commute. 30 minutes that he had to himself. Knowing how busy he would be at his job, the 30 minute commute to work was his time to steel himself for the job ahead, and on the way home, his time to ruminate on the day.

Today, he was noticing the weather. After a long drought, finally some rain had rolled in. It was a relief, he thought, as the water restrictions on the town were starting to get difficult to follow. Weather reporters said that the rain would be off-and-on for the next several weeks, but it was expected that the drought had officially ended. Minor flooding in some places, but still appreciated for what it was. Life-giving water, desperately needed by the parched land.

He arrived at work, and greeted the security guard at the front before heading in.
"Morning, Jacob."
"Morning, Albert. How's Jennifer doing?"
"Ah, you know how it is. Kids grow up so fast. She was so excited about something or other happening at school today, she was practically running to get to the bus stop. I'm sure I'll get an earful when I get home tonight."
"Yeah, sounds about right, if you can stay awake for it. You run yourself too hard, man. Seems like you're always tired."
"I do what I must to provide for my family, Jake. You know that."
"Yeah, and I can't say that about all guys out there. Lotta deadbeat dads."
"Well, that won't be me. I'm always going to be there for my girl. Oh, time for me to get going. See you Tuesday?"
"Nah, man. I've got the day off. My wife and I are going to be out of town all next week to celebrate our anniversary."
"Aw, happy anniversary, Jacob. Tell your wife I said hi."
"Will do man. Take care of yourself, ya hear?"
"No promises." Albert laughed, and took the elevator up to the 20th floor.

Sitting at his desk, a window seat, able to look over his computer monitor and see the suburb sprawling out for miles below, Albert did not have much time to enjoy the scenery. With the clouds rolling in, and the phone already ringing he started work.

Around 2:30, Albert took his lunch break. While he was eating, he noticed something odd. One of the clouds outside, looked strangely shaped like some... grim creature with claws, reaching down from the sky. Dismissing this at first as just his imagination, he checked his phone. Just a few more hours, and he'd be able to go home. Just as he was checking the time, a text came in.

Hey, honey, I'm making spaghetti for dinner tonight. If you could bring home some garlic bread from the store to go with it, maybe some salad, I'd appreciate it. Love you! <3

Looking back out, the strange cloud looked even more ominous. The mist of the cloud now had a strange red hue to it. Albert did a double-take. There, in midair, in the place where the cloud's "claw" was, a something was falling. No, not falling, but more like... dangling. Was it a drone? No, it was too large for that. Then it hit him, that was a human body. But there's no way a HUMAN could stay suspended midair that long on its own.

The cloud's gruesome head approached the floating body, and as it closed around the person midair, their body smashed into a spray of red mist, further darkening the cloud. Albert could not trust his eyes. There is no way he just saw what he thought he saw. Things like this don't happen. He could feel his pulse racing.

The cloud, or was it a creature, reached down again. Moving as if a strong breeze were pushing the vapor close to the ground. Albert wondered if anyone even noticed in this rain what was happening. Then it hit him. It's raining, but yet the red mist in the cloud is staying suspended midair. Surely it would have dispersed or fallen already, but it was still there.

Another human rose into the air, and after a moment, same as before. As if shredded in a single "bite", the person was no more than vapor. Albert looked down, and noticed that there were some people who had just witnessed that. He watched for their reaction. They were closer, probably would have seen it better. He tried to figure out from their reaction if he could believe what he saw.

The people on the ground level suddenly covered their mouths, looked like some of them were panicking. People suddenly rushed to get into vehicles and take off. Not a single car that had a clear view of what had happened drove in the direction of the... Albert realized he had no idea what to call what he just saw. A cloud monster? A predator of some sort? Some kind of creature.

The creature's eyeless gaze suddenly settled upon the building he was in. It was as if it was staring at him. He felt a chill run down his back, like when standing in a crowd and turning around to see someone had been staring. Albert froze, uncertain what to do, what to expect. He had to go. He has to make sure his daughter is safe. She is all that matters. These were the thoughts running through his head.

"No. There's no time for you to run. I thirst, and you will slake it."
Albert screamed in terror as he heard these words echo from inside his own brain. He turned and ran toward the elevators. He took a moment to glance back, and saw the cloud rapidly approaching the building. There was a deafening sound. Not exactly one sound, a cacophony of sounds. Twisting metal, shattering glass, crumbling stone, as the sides of the building crashed in, as if being bitten. Albert fell to the floor and everything went black.

He woke up, in a daze. He hurt all over. It was dark. Instinctively, he pulled his phone from his pocket, and checked the time- 4pm. A sudden realization swept over him, as he realized he was laying in the rubble of his office building. He remembered that creature, and everything came back to him at once.

He pulled himself free of the debris, and found his way to a place where he could more clearly see around himself. He was trapped on what appeared to be the 12th floor of the building. That he had survived was a miracle of sorts. Or was it a curse? He had no way down from that height, and in his desperation, he called 911. The line was too busy, and he could not get through. He looked out from the crumbling wreckage of what had been a much taller building before it was chewed through. No surprise that the dispatch number had been busy. In the distance, he saw it. Now very clearly. With the swirling dust, and the fine red mist making its features more distinct, he knew. That thing was the reason 911 was busy.

Albert thought how there are not people enough in the world to answer the calls that are sure to be coming in now. He had to get to his family. He had to ensure they were safe. The world was ending, but he had to do something. He managed to locate a stairwell, but it was blocked by rubble. Eventually, he got the door free, and was able to make his way down to the security desk, although every step was agony. He probably had several broken bones, but the thought of his family spurred him on.

He reached the front desk, but it was deserted. He walked to the parking lot, and saw that the majority of the building he had spent the last 8 years working in was there on top of everything. He recognized the black Honda in front of him. It was Jacob's car. There was a huge chunk of concrete sticking through the front end. Albert knew better than to look closer, as there was a puddle of red dripping from the car door.

Albert tried to find his car, but it was hopelessly lost among the remains of the building. He tried to call his daughter's school. No answer. He tried to call his wife, but the phone went straight to voicemail.

"I need more!"
Albert heard echo in his head. At that very moment, he knew. Everything was over for him. There was no coming back from something like this. Sure, maybe he and his family survive a day, a week, a month. But nobody knew anything about the creature that had come suddenly, and devoured the suburb. Nobody would know when it would be sated, if ever. Worst of all, it might not be alone, for who knows what awaits the morning dew?

One year later, but just the same

Last year, first month, almost exactly one year ago to the day as now, I wrote about the numbness that I have felt. A numbness that has kept me functioning, but also prevented me from experiencing satisfaction.

One year later, and the same is true. I was thinking this evening about how upset this makes me. I don't really feel anything, but on a mental level, I am angry that I can't feel.

I'm angry that I have no choice when I am alone and lonely but to remain lonely until the feeling (one of the few that actually appear) passes.

Is there something about me that needs to change to be the catalyst of feeling again? What can I do? Why does it seem like nobody wants to be around me?

I ask these questions, but I know that nobody will answer them for me. Nobody ever answers. I'm instead left hating myself for feeling less than human. I can't even tell if anyone will read these thoughts, carefully written out, a diary screaming for help, posted on the Internet for the world to see how pathetic I am. Yet I am probably so unimportant in the GRAND SCHEME of the universe, these words will probably never matter to anyone else.

In truth, I write them for me. I've changed recently, too. Recent as in... Over the past few years. I have nothing to fall back upon. Nobody and nothing to petition for help, nobody to blame for my decisions except me. It's incredibly freeing to be rational, and believe in the observable and in lucid, logic based ethical frameworks. It's also scary, having to be honest with myself about my responsibility to others in this regard.

Like most other humans, I am incredibly self centered and selfish in general. I just would rather like to have another person who I could share the good and the bad with. But people are so complex, multifaceted and each with their own unique personalities and back story. Where would I even begin? I start at the surface, because it's what I can see. That's probably the problem, but I don't know what else to do. The surface is part of the package, even if not the most important part.

I am struggling. I have resolved myself to be more bold this year, hoping that by risking more, I may reap some benefit from my efforts. Then again, I had high hopes last year, too, and I know how that ended.

The Game

It had been a surprisingly slow day, considering how Jon was uncertain what to expect. Ever since he discovered X-mode in Able-Ward, and gotten that creepy message saying he had been 'indoctrinated', he had expected that something bad was going to happen, but things had not really changed from what he could tell.

His parents were definitely proud of his achievement. Jon giggled at his own mental joke. Heh, "Achievement Unlocked: Parents' Recognition". Right? But aside from that, he had seen nothing out of the ordinary. His jump drive still showed Able-Ward, not Able-X, as it said in the message he had received. He was starting to think someone was trying to prank him. Probably that stupid... what did the guy say her name was? Jenn? Hacker. That's who she is. Probably tracked my jump drive while that guy fought me, and sent that message too.

After a quick dinner, Jon went back to his room to start work on cyber-field project. If he could create a standalone virtual test zone, then he might be able to complete his homework with his newfound X-mode power. I mean, it's not cheating if I'm just using it to... simplify the process of doing the work I would have done anyway, right?

As he completed some of the last few functions of his cyberscript, he realized something. I never really tested to see if that X-mode thing was real. It may have actually been a trick from hacker hack-his-face and his friend Ms. Hacky Hackington. Maybe I should go back to Able-Ward and make sure that it wasn't just a trick.

Jon decided to begin a jump session into Able-Ward. Upon entering, he was given the usual options: Single-Player, Multiplayer Assault, Multiplayer FFA, and Customize/Craft Room. I guess it's safer to go alone, this time. Just in case this X-mode thing is real, and against the rules. Jon entered the Single-Player loading zone.

Single-Player Sequence Compiling...

Running Campaign Source Code...

Updates downloading...

2848 GB added...

New Abilities Available, see Craft Room for details...

Executable Ready to Launch.

"Run Single-Player Campaign"

The room disappeared around him, and he found himself standing in a field, a short distance from a nearby NPC guarded outpost, leading to the mountain on the other side. A standard starting area.

"Alright. Let's see if this works. Begin X-mode." 

X-mode Sequence Compiling...
*Warning: Improper use of X-mode can cause serious side-effects!*

X-mode Executable Ready to Launch.
Continue?

"I really didn't expect for that to work." The dialog box remained visible, and awaiting confirmation of his launch. "Alright, let's give it a go, but be a bit more careful this time. Run X-mode." 

Jon's avatar disappeared, and he was once again clothed in a simple, but ornate outfit. 

Cortical Visual Drive Activated...
Command Input Ready.

Inbound match notification: 5 minutes preparation time commencing.

"Wait, what? 5 minutes to prepare for... a multiplayer match? But I'm in Single-Player render! I don't... what the hell is going on?" Jon puzzled for a moment about what to do. Ok, anticipate, counter, react. This is my first time using X-mode for any potential combat, and I have no idea who I may be going against, but maybe if I apply my usual strategies it will work out ok. Surely I'm only going to be matched against other people with the same skill as me, right? 

Jon spent a few minutes carefully considering the types of combat that were generally considered possible. There was short-range, such as hand-to-hand combat or melee weapons. There was mid range, such as shotguns, pistols, and a fair number of mid-range skills. There was long range, such as sniper rifles, long-distance skills, and short range skills that can be activated at a distance. For attacking types, there were forward-facing (the more direct confrontational types), ambush (tricky trap using types), and guerrilla (distance and out maneuvering types). Jon took a few minutes to plan for how he would react in each situation, and his method of counterattack based on what he may see when the combat began.

Preparation time over. Match beginning in 20 seconds.

Inbound challenger.

Another player materialized in the campaign space. His clothes were unusual for the area. First of all, he did not wear any Able-Ward armor, but Jon didn't find that surprising since apparently X-mode replaced avatars with the actual person, it seemed. Secondly, though, he did not appear to be wearing an X-mode outfit either, or at least, not if what Jon's outfit looked like was any indication. The other player wore a simple set of jeans, and a white shirt with a blue and white plaid overshirt, and a shell necklace.

".. Uh, hey there." Jon said, not really sure how to react to the other player.

"Hey, man. You must be new. Nice to meet you, I'm Val." Val ran his hand through his dirty blonde hair and smiled, holding out his other hand in greetings.

"Yeah? My name's Jon. Is 'Val' short for something?" Jon asked, shaking Val's hand in response to his unusually polite greeting.

"Yup. It's short for Valor, but I prefer to go by Val. My parents still don't get it, but maybe one day..."

Match start in 3... 2... 1... Begin!

Jon jumped back from Val, and braced himself for an onslaught. He was surprised to see that Val just stood in place, not attacking.

"Whoa, man. You seem a bit jumpy, you alright?" Val asked, looking a bit confused.

"I thought we were fighting." Jon stated, bluntly.

"Oh, yeah, we totally are, but I believe in good sportsmanship. Let's just have a good time. No need to overexert ourselves right? I mean, we both know X-mode is dangerous if used incorrectly." Val seemed really calm about the situation, which was making it hard for Jon to get a read on his motives.

"Well, yeah, it can be, I suppose. I mean, I accidentally knocked myself out when I first activated it." Jon replied, trying to think what Val's intent was. Ok, so clearly he's not a forward facing fighter, and seeing how he's not taking any efforts to go at a distance, perhaps he's an ambush fighter? But what is his angle? I haven't seen him do anything.

"Oh, yeah? I know the feeling. I almost did the same thing my first time. I had no idea what I was doing, suddenly I was surrounded by kittens. It was adorable, but apparently, too much for me."

"Like, really? Kittens? You almost got knocked out by kittens?"

"Not the kittens themselves, really. The strain from trying to render all those kittens at the same time, each with separate personalities, fluffiness, colors, physics interactions. You know, KITTENS." Val said with a jovial laugh.

Suddenly, Jon felt a stinging sensation on the back of his left leg. He couldn't move it. Jon tried to move, but that leg just wouldn't respond. He kept his cool, and tried not to let Val see that he was affected. Damn, looks like he got my leg. So, that's his game. He's trying to lure me into a feeling of comfort and safety while he uses long range skills from point blank range. But how is this even...

Jon then remembered that X-mode gave him the ability to make things happen with just his willpower and his imagination. Of course a long range skill could be used at point blank range. All the user had to do was to imagine the skill activating from a distance out of the enemy's sight. What have I gotten myself into? Maybe I'm not ready for this.

"Hey, so listen, Val. I was thinking, I don't know that I want to fight you. I mean, I was just here for a simple single-player exercise, is all." Jon said, thinking this would be worth a try.

"Oh, nah, man. That's cool, you don't have to fight. It's alright. If you want to surrender, I'm ok with that."

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah. I mean, there's no worries if you'd rather give up X-mode. It's awesome, but you don't really need it. Right? I mean, you're new, so I can't expect you've really found a use for it yet, and the competitive scene for Able-X is kinda harsh the farther you get."

"Whoa, wait. So, if I just concede the fight to you, I'll lose access to X-mode?" Jon asked.

"Oh, definitely. You see, we've got X-mode points, right? So, we can only use X-mode if we have them, but newcomers only start with 1. If you lose your first match, you have to complete the entire main scenario to get a second chance to re-enter Able-X." Val stated, as if the entire situation were common knowledge.

"But I didn't get any warning trying to start X-mode that I was using up a point or anything."

"No, it's not like each time you use X-mode it expends a point. Just that you have to have a point to activate it. And with each additional point you get, your processing power is upgraded."

"Upgraded how?" Jon asked. Val paused for a moment, and then winked.

"I'll give you an example. I've currently got about 12 points, but I don't usually go about using all 12 points worth of processing power, because I'd be at my limit, and probably at risk for going unconscious. But I'll show you the power of 12." Val drew XII in the air with one finger. The number floated midair in light, like a laser on a wall.

Val closed his eyes, and suddenly it became nighttime. A meteor shower appeared overhead, and a star shape appeared on the ground underneath Jon. With his left leg paralyzed, he could not move, and became increasingly worried. The meteor shower suddenly stopped, the blazing stones held, countless, midair. Then they started falling toward him, growing in size. Jon wished he were anywhere else. If only he were farther away, like on the mountain.

Jon appeared on the mountain, and in the distance, looking down at the star-shape in the field below, he saw a bombardment of meteors hit where he had been moments before. Oh, right. It's about imagining the thing you want to have happen. Jon sighed in relief. There was a whisper in his right ear.

"Now you're getting it, but it's no fun if you run away, is it?" Val was standing directly behind him. Jon flinched. How had Val kept up with his sudden disappearance? A shimmering in the air around him caused Jon to jump away, using his right leg to propel him from the cliff. As he jumped, he heard an explosion behind him. This is dangerous. I'm falling, I need to fly.

Jon suddenly found his vertical momentum stopped, while he continued moving horizontally. Val looked up at him from immediately below, now also in flight.

"You should really look where you're going!" Val said, winking again, and disappearing. Jon looked up, just in time to realize that he had flown into a cage. Jon hit the side of the cage, which closed around him. Needles started growing from the lattice woven around him. Jon realized that he was completely outmatched. Then he remembered his strategy. Anticipate, counter, react. It's gotten me this far, I anticipated some things, but I wish I had known more.

Jon imagined himself becoming impenetrable, and simultaneously decided he would take an offensive stance, hoping he'd get lucky.

Command Received... Running...
**WARNING: X-mode processing reaching critical levels.**
**WARNING: Continued X-mode processing could result in dangerous side effects.**

With the last of his processing power, Jon became a bomb. He blew up the spiked lattice around him, exploding with incredible force, and then reappearing outside. He called down rain, but it was not water, but needles of poison, penetrating with each drop, but feeling soothing to the touch.

Val looked at Jon in surprise. "I must say, I'm impressed. You escaped, and made a nice little rainstorm. But now it's over. The match is done. You've lost."

Jon looked back, as pain started to swell in his head. "Rain was how I first learned my limit. And you are right, this is over. But I am not the one who has lost."

Val looked confused, but suddenly, fell over. His body dematerialized. A few sparkling coins lay on the ground where Val's body had been a moment ago.

"Terminate X-mode" Jon stated. He walked over to pick up the coins left behind by Val when he disappeared.

X-mode terminated. New processing power acquired.

System upgrade complete. Resources will be replenished upon relog.

The rain disappeared, and the coins were gone the moment he had touched them.

So, I guess our X-mode points manifest as coins when we lose a fight, or something? How cliché. Still, that was too close. 

Jon's avatar was back, and seemed able to move just fine, now that Valor had been defeated. Jon logged out of Able-Ward, and when he took off his jump drive, he found his left leg was sore. Jon had some difficulty moving it, as if it had just cramped, and it took him a few minutes before he was able to walk around normally again.

"Looks like this is more real than I had anticipated." Jon said to himself, worried about what his future encounters might hold.

Pain free; pain free; pain, free

One of the most challenging things I've faced emotionally has been a crushing numbness that predominates my life.

Clearly, it hurts. Joy, and anything related seem distant even in the moment. Like looking at a beautiful painting, but only through frosted glass.

Fear, sadness, and loneliness are also somewhat distant, but less so. Like listening to music at a volume just soft enough that the words aren't distinguishable, but the melody is.

I find myself longing for relief from this pain. The awkward part is that actually feeling the pain that is likely the source of the numbness would probably relieve it, but the numbness relieves that pain.

So, maybe what I am asking for is a solution to the problem. I don't feel like getting hurt will help, but the status-quo is certainly not helpful.

I am being forced to choose between self destruction and long term suffering, perhaps at my own hands.

I have felt like this for long enough that I can barely recognize where the deep hurt backing me into the corner is coming from. I have a vague sense that my life is dissatisfactory, and the things I would like to have are uncontrollably beyond my reach, but easily within my power to reject should they come close enough.

People. Relationships. Meaning. Closeness. I want it, but not some surface level swill. I don't want acquaintances. I don't like them. It's superficial. It's a social obligation.

So many "friends" on Facebook, maybe you even, but how often do we do things together? If you or I disappeared from each other's lives, would we be truly upset? Would we notice?

I share common struggles with people who I know. Perhaps you, once again. Yet a common struggle, however real, makes poor foundation for more, I find, than an outlet to vent or a shallow agreement that life is imperfect and often cruel.

Another year filled with empty days to look forward to. Some filled with events, others not. Hope: what a nice thing to have. If only.

Happy endings feel so bad

I watched a heartwarming film on Thursday. It was a wonderful story about love that started out as just a random meeting at school. It ended with two of the protagonists ending up together.

I enjoyed this film greatly. Following the usual path of meeting, discovery, awkwardness, and resolution, it was still satisfying.

But the happy ending ended up feeling quite sad for me, personally. I always wanted some companionship, but have grown up in a place where I'm far removed from the kind of scenario shown in that film. Even now, far removed from school, I find myself isolated and quite lonely for the companionship of another.

I'm a little jealous, if I'm honest, of the people that got to experience some kind of young love, or dating, while still in school. I experienced little more than being either in trouble, or being a laughingstock.

I'm older now, my school days are behind me. I can't go back, but then again, if going back meant having to go through all the stuff I went through again, being laughed at and punished for seeking companionship, I wouldn't choose to go back. That is, if it were even an option.

I'm frustrated by my circumstances, but I'm also sure that people would say that if it bothers me that much, I should be doing more to change them. As if it is that simple. Or maybe it is, and it hasn't been enough of a priority yet. Either way it still hurts.

The worst pain I can imagine is the pain felt when my body and soul both hurt and there's nothing that can be done. I'm not exactly there, but these feelings are so strong and so difficult, it figuratively hurts to the point of feeling it physically. Worst of all is that no matter how it hurts, I still find it nearly impossible to cry. Not because I don't want to, but because of the emotional, spiritual, and verbal abuse I experienced in my youth, I can only cry in times of similar levels of torment.

The tears don't come, and so the pain stays where it is, building up, nowhere to escape it. So maybe I should stop reading and watching things with happy endings. After all, not everyone gets one.

More, again

I just want to take a moment to vent.

I am sad. Disappointed, and angry at myself. I never seem to fall for guys I have any chance of being with.

Another crush, probably the most powerful one I've had in a decade has resulted in the truth of the futility of my feelings being made plain again.

Why am I even trying?

My actions proving pointless endeavors, accomplishing not my goals, but yet more cruel torture.

I am having a hard time coping with these feelings. I dare not allow myself to feel them, doing so would thus crush me, destroy me as I would lose what little good I have somehow stockpiled. My endeavors of freedom from debt would vanish as I would become unable to move, much less work.

I dare not numb these feelings, either. To do so will again slay the connection to my emotions. Something hard fought to forge after so many years of practiced avoidance of them.

I desire to scream "please, someone save me", but it would serve no purpose. I desire to yell at the world "someone love me!", but again nothing would be gained.

How am I able to function at all, as broken as I've become? I am less than human. I am less than alive, yet not dead.

My survival rote and I nothing more than a recording, playing back what I have practiced.

This darkness slices through my chest, and all the love, the light, the joy, all the good in my life disappears.

Even telling my family makes no difference. Telling my friends is no more than selfishly burdening them with my problems. They are powerless to help. So why share this pain with them when they hold not the cure?

I want to cry. I want to be held in a warm embrace and be told how desirable I am. I want to be reassured that love is not a pipe dream.

Instead, I lie in the darkness of my room, in a bed that is cold and empty except for myself. In the darkness, all alone, I bask in the emptiness in my heart. The place I so desperately want to fill with love for someone else, festering in my heart. My soul cries out agony in a small whimper. Too damaged to even yell any longer.

I just want someone to look at me. Nobody ever looks at me.
Why can't people see me?
Why have I become invisible?
Have I ever existed?

I will just shut up. Nobody cares about these problems anymore and even if they did, the people who care can do nothing to help. And the people who could help have no reason to do so. They do not see me, and those who see what they think of as me do not see me as desirable.

There is no point. Love is a hopeless endeavor. Should I be fortunate enough one day to be proven wrong I shall rejoice. For now, I've naught but to languish in this festering pain of disconnection and worthlessness.

I hope this pain I endure makes someone happy, as happiness is something I dare not expect to feel again.