Pain free; pain free; pain, free

One of the most challenging things I've faced emotionally has been a crushing numbness that predominates my life.

Clearly, it hurts. Joy, and anything related seem distant even in the moment. Like looking at a beautiful painting, but only through frosted glass.

Fear, sadness, and loneliness are also somewhat distant, but less so. Like listening to music at a volume just soft enough that the words aren't distinguishable, but the melody is.

I find myself longing for relief from this pain. The awkward part is that actually feeling the pain that is likely the source of the numbness would probably relieve it, but the numbness relieves that pain.

So, maybe what I am asking for is a solution to the problem. I don't feel like getting hurt will help, but the status-quo is certainly not helpful.

I am being forced to choose between self destruction and long term suffering, perhaps at my own hands.

I have felt like this for long enough that I can barely recognize where the deep hurt backing me into the corner is coming from. I have a vague sense that my life is dissatisfactory, and the things I would like to have are uncontrollably beyond my reach, but easily within my power to reject should they come close enough.

People. Relationships. Meaning. Closeness. I want it, but not some surface level swill. I don't want acquaintances. I don't like them. It's superficial. It's a social obligation.

So many "friends" on Facebook, maybe you even, but how often do we do things together? If you or I disappeared from each other's lives, would we be truly upset? Would we notice?

I share common struggles with people who I know. Perhaps you, once again. Yet a common struggle, however real, makes poor foundation for more, I find, than an outlet to vent or a shallow agreement that life is imperfect and often cruel.

Another year filled with empty days to look forward to. Some filled with events, others not. Hope: what a nice thing to have. If only.

Happy endings feel so bad

I watched a heartwarming film on Thursday. It was a wonderful story about love that started out as just a random meeting at school. It ended with two of the protagonists ending up together.

I enjoyed this film greatly. Following the usual path of meeting, discovery, awkwardness, and resolution, it was still satisfying.

But the happy ending ended up feeling quite sad for me, personally. I always wanted some companionship, but have grown up in a place where I'm far removed from the kind of scenario shown in that film. Even now, far removed from school, I find myself isolated and quite lonely for the companionship of another.

I'm a little jealous, if I'm honest, of the people that got to experience some kind of young love, or dating, while still in school. I experienced little more than being either in trouble, or being a laughingstock.

I'm older now, my school days are behind me. I can't go back, but then again, if going back meant having to go through all the stuff I went through again, being laughed at and punished for seeking companionship, I wouldn't choose to go back. That is, if it were even an option.

I'm frustrated by my circumstances, but I'm also sure that people would say that if it bothers me that much, I should be doing more to change them. As if it is that simple. Or maybe it is, and it hasn't been enough of a priority yet. Either way it still hurts.

The worst pain I can imagine is the pain felt when my body and soul both hurt and there's nothing that can be done. I'm not exactly there, but these feelings are so strong and so difficult, it figuratively hurts to the point of feeling it physically. Worst of all is that no matter how it hurts, I still find it nearly impossible to cry. Not because I don't want to, but because of the emotional, spiritual, and verbal abuse I experienced in my youth, I can only cry in times of similar levels of torment.

The tears don't come, and so the pain stays where it is, building up, nowhere to escape it. So maybe I should stop reading and watching things with happy endings. After all, not everyone gets one.

More, again

I just want to take a moment to vent.

I am sad. Disappointed, and angry at myself. I never seem to fall for guys I have any chance of being with.

Another crush, probably the most powerful one I've had in a decade has resulted in the truth of the futility of my feelings being made plain again.

Why am I even trying?

My actions proving pointless endeavors, accomplishing not my goals, but yet more cruel torture.

I am having a hard time coping with these feelings. I dare not allow myself to feel them, doing so would thus crush me, destroy me as I would lose what little good I have somehow stockpiled. My endeavors of freedom from debt would vanish as I would become unable to move, much less work.

I dare not numb these feelings, either. To do so will again slay the connection to my emotions. Something hard fought to forge after so many years of practiced avoidance of them.

I desire to scream "please, someone save me", but it would serve no purpose. I desire to yell at the world "someone love me!", but again nothing would be gained.

How am I able to function at all, as broken as I've become? I am less than human. I am less than alive, yet not dead.

My survival rote and I nothing more than a recording, playing back what I have practiced.

This darkness slices through my chest, and all the love, the light, the joy, all the good in my life disappears.

Even telling my family makes no difference. Telling my friends is no more than selfishly burdening them with my problems. They are powerless to help. So why share this pain with them when they hold not the cure?

I want to cry. I want to be held in a warm embrace and be told how desirable I am. I want to be reassured that love is not a pipe dream.

Instead, I lie in the darkness of my room, in a bed that is cold and empty except for myself. In the darkness, all alone, I bask in the emptiness in my heart. The place I so desperately want to fill with love for someone else, festering in my heart. My soul cries out agony in a small whimper. Too damaged to even yell any longer.

I just want someone to look at me. Nobody ever looks at me.
Why can't people see me?
Why have I become invisible?
Have I ever existed?

I will just shut up. Nobody cares about these problems anymore and even if they did, the people who care can do nothing to help. And the people who could help have no reason to do so. They do not see me, and those who see what they think of as me do not see me as desirable.

There is no point. Love is a hopeless endeavor. Should I be fortunate enough one day to be proven wrong I shall rejoice. For now, I've naught but to languish in this festering pain of disconnection and worthlessness.

I hope this pain I endure makes someone happy, as happiness is something I dare not expect to feel again.

The new year

So it's 2015 now. I suppose you could say this is the start of a new year, and in many ways it is. I could also say that this is a year of new things, new phone, new car, new interests for my love life. I suppose I should be pretty excited about all this, but when I think about it, all of these new things bring a lot of risks for me personally.

I now have to deal with car payments for the first time, have to be careful about my phone, certainly don't want it to break, and have to be careful with my heart... I'm worried that's going to break more than anything else.

So I have an interest in somebody, I haven't said anything to this person yet... Except for trying to get to know him, that is. I have no idea if he's going to have any interest in me, or if I have any chance. My biggest concern is that perhaps I may think I have a chance, only to find out I was mistaken (as usual).

I seem to have a bad habit of falling for people that are so totally beyond me. For one reason or another, these people will never be able to return my affections. Sometimes it has to do with a difference in what they are interested in, sometimes our personalities just don't click, and other times there's just no spark between the two of us. If I'm being totally honest, it's probably mostly that first one.

Given my poor luck in trying to find someone to spend my life with, I cannot help but feel nervous. And of course, knowing my history in this area, well, I haven't done the best in the past.

I have pretty big concerns about my emotional state coming up this year. Somehow I've managed to remain relatively stable, somewhat positive, even. I think a big concern is that potentially I could end up going into another bout of depression, one made even worse by another failed, miserably failed attempt to find love.

I have frequently been told that I'm so young I shouldn't be worried about these types of issues. I know that might be the logical thing to think, but the problem is the heart wants what it wants. It may make more sense for me to remain single, just think of all the money I could save, all the freedom I get to have... Admittedly life probably is a lot simpler single. But that's not what I want. I want to have that connection with somebody, that sense of being truly desired by someone else. I understand I might not be the nicest thing to look at, and sure sometimes my personality can get on the nerves of the people around me. Still, I would rather think that if I were to be in a relationship I would have a pretty decent idea how to handle myself in one. Of course my track record, given my previous relationship, do I want to count both of them(?), is not exactly something that people would consider to be in favor of my belief that I can handle a relationship. Minor disasters, surprised I didn't make more enemies actually. One of them resulted in a death, though not exactly while we were still dating. Sigh... But that's a whole separate story.

I don't know what this is going to bring. I certainly hope it ends up being something good, but hope does not typically end up resulting in what I actually experience.

Heard from my biological father for the first time recently. Not actually certain how to handle that relationship yet.

Given that it's been roughly 26 years since I last saw him in person, and since I don't really remember him from that far back, I don't really know how familiar or formal our relationship should be. Only time will tell perhaps. I'm honestly not even certain where I should start with him. How do you say hello to someone that's part of your life, but has never been in your life... Technically speaking I wouldn't be around without him, but I've been around, without him, for 25 years.

I haven't determined how I want to speak to him, no idea what to say first. It is almost as if I I'm afraid to talk to him, as there is the potential that I could really mess things up. Not to mention I have no idea what his beliefs are in relative to important parts of my life, not certain what type of discussion I might need to have with him.

So here is to 2015, I think my new years resolution seems pretty straightforward, and relatively achievable. For 2015, my goal is to not die. That seems reasonable, right? Maybe it's a little bit dramatic, or perhaps a bit too low key? Either way, it's a reasonable goal, and if I fail,  I won't have any ability to complain at that point.

Not quite sure how my life ended up here, but it has been an interesting ride. Can't wait to see what's coming next. Probably best not to look at the end of the track those surprises are best left unknown.

The unreality engine

Steve sighed as he looked upon the folly of his ways. Creating the world's first unreality engine was a mistake. A rainbow drifted lazily past, slicing the flying chocolate tree in half, causing it to regenerate into two separate trees and drop a short of exploding chocolates on the village below.

Truly, the unreality engine was a marvel. Things not normally permitted by the laws of physics become possible, and the limits of the known universe suddenly don't apply.

Steve never realized what a mistake it would be to open up possibilities like those until it was too late. His goal has been noble: solve the energy crisis. This close to the so called end of the world, the famous heat death of the universe hypothesized by top scientific minds, people were desperate to figure out a way for life to go on. Technically, that problem was solved. Steve's solution, however, had the unfortunate side effect of chaos and unbound entropy. His giant ears sagged in disappointment before disappearing entirely.

His aide, Gitzferald, rushed into the room, which had just become a hippopotamus. "Doctor Fawl! I have great news!" He exclaimed. "I think we've come up with a way to stabilize the unreality engine optimization and mitigate the entropy it's causing."

Steve looked up in excitement. The aide then became marshmallows. Steve despaired. Of course it wouldn't be that simple. He attempted to head to his lab. Every step he took made a different sound. He turned the corner, and found himself in his lab. It also appeared that he was now in Tahiti. He asked the assistants what they had discovered, and listened intently as they explained the concept of the entropic vacuum. One even explained that it could potentially randomly become a thing that exists just by the nature of the unreality drive.

The possibilities this would present would be huge. Steve inquired if they had a way to increase the likelihood the entropic vacuum could exist.


"The plan is to build the basic exoskeletal structure of the vacuum, then connect fireworks goblet, meow." The assistant looked surprised as his words suddenly made no sense.

"I suppose even this is possible now." Steve stated, admiring with discontent the way words could not change as they exited the mouths of the speaker.

As he began directing the assistants what to do, the lab began to fill with stilettos. This made coordinating their efforts more challenging. One of the monitors tracing the increase in entropy indicated that the level of danger was rising significantly. The entropic levels had reached high enough to begin affecting other parallel worlds. It was unclear if it may start changing timelines.

As Steve rushed to build their vacuum, the new York city and then we started to see you. This message and the other use of a bit more information contained in this email address, or not sure if we started.

The world seemed unstable, Steve's grip on reality was going on the way of the other day. Something unnerving to see, even though the new solution of the entropic vacuum was nearing completion, he was the way you are.

Out of control, the situation became dire consequences for a lot of the purple. This was how the world ended. Not with an explosion, but with a small, quiet simple dough.

Not OK

After an especially difficult day, where I repeatedly felt as if I was a disappointment to everyone whom I had interacted, I composed this song.

Please excuse the poor quality of the audio in places, I do no have a professional microphone, and it was difficult to get it to record anything, much less be able to get the audio clear enough to be heard over the music I composed to go with it.

I present: Not OK

That said, if you don't have the ability to make out words of the song, that's why I have this handy lyric sheet located below:

No, it’s not gonna be alright, but who says it has to be? And is that so?
And oh, that’s not me tonight, how am I supposed to be ok… when I’m falling behind~
I’ve been tryin’ oh so hard, but still I fall.
Once again I try to think of it all.
But still my head keeps swimmin, no matter what I do I just can’t seem to win,
And so I stand alone.
Oh, why does li-ife seem this way?
Caught up in all the things I do every day.
But nothing that I try, ever heals that pain inside
Can someone save me, save my soul, I don’t know; so I’m
Trying to get by, but I cannot seem to quell my
Fears that I shall stay this way, just keep on going
So, please someone won’t you tell me,
Just what I’m supposed to be?
Cause here I stand,
Please take my hand!
Cause I don’t know
Cause I can’t see
Cause I can’t feel
What am I to do, and is this real?
Oh, so, no. I’m not ok, who says I have to be?
Maybe it’s just better this way.
And no, maybe I’m not alone, or maybe it is the truth
That when I’m here, I can’t be seen by you.
I sit on the edge of this empty ledge,
Looking over into the deep, won’t someone stay with me?

Projections on the screens of others

So, a guy I know online just finished telling me "fuck my dad".

He was angry at his dad for being condescending.
He stated that his dad was obsessing about him finding a job.
His dad had taken away his home internet, and was disconnecting his phone wifi also.

He stated that his dad wanted him to get a job and find school, and that it was all his dad wanted him to do.

According to this guy, the condescending attitude of his father was the only thing keeping him from getting a job. He stated that he had found his first job on his own, and he would have a job if not for his dad and the attitude said parent had.


What an amusing statement.
Now, mind you, I know how tedious it can be when parents are strict, and add pressure where pressure alone does not provide any benefit. Heck, for that matter, it was not terribly long ago when I felt almost the exact same pressure to get a job from my parents.

Jobs are not hard to find. Jobs worth keeping, actual careers, are very difficult to locate. I consider myself among the fortunate few who have a really good job.

But what made his statements amusing was the sentiment that his dad's attitude was the sole reason he remained unemployed. If this were the case, I would expect it would mean that his dad was scaring off potential employers.

Now, mind you, it's entirely possible that this could have been the case.
Perhaps his dad had been yelling at employers that called at the house.
Perhaps when employers called about the job, his dad told his potential employer terrible (possibly untrue) things about him to them, causing them to select a different candidate.

However, if those scenarios were true, then when I asked in what way his dad's attitude was the sole reason why he was unemployed, I'd have expected he would have been more willing than anything else to share the injustices of his dad's misconduct.

Instead, he said that my question made him mad, and he logged off.
I find it interesting that regardless of what this guy says, it appears that he is projecting his own failings upon his father. After all, what reason does he have to be mad if it is legitimately his dad's fault? None, except for any indignation he has for his dad's behaviour.

No, instead, I suspect that this guy probably has been avoiding finding a job to this point, or finding school. When confronted by his dad about it, he probably tries to avoid the issue. When his dad pushes the issue and no response is gained, I think the dad probably decided that grounding his son (the guy doesn't call having privileges taken away 'grounding', it would seem) would be one of the only ways left for him to motivate his son.

While the methods may not be the most effective, and may even seem unfair, I have no reason to believe that a parent's bad attitude alone can prevent someone from getting a job for which they are well-qualified and willing to work, short of doing the activities I described above. (And even then, I would imagine some employers would give the guy the benefit of the doubt, and not simply trust the word of one person about who this guy is.)

Yet, rather than take responsibility for his own inaction, he would rather project how he should feel about himself onto his dad. Admittedly, we all do this. We see ourselves in others, we try to find ways to not see ourselves in ourselves, and we see others in ourselves.

Often we, as humans, try to find no fault in ourselves, and try to place blame for everything bad that happens upon others. We try to find what is good, and suggest that we are that good thing, or that we are capable of the same good things as someone else. We try our best to ignore when others have the same kind of faults as we do, because seeing them makes it difficult to judge anyone else for having them, because we know that deep down that we have the same faults.

I would like to think that all the negative experiences I have had in my past have led me to be less biased to do these things. At the end of the day, though, I realize that I am not the best judge of my own character. It may even be that nobody can be a proper judge of anyone's character because we all have our own ways of being these imperfect, messy, and glorious human beings.

We may not be perfect, but the imperfections mean we always have something to strive for, and sometimes some of the greatest beauties the world can offer come from the imperfection that is life.

We may see ourselves, projections on the screens of others, the people around us the very looking glass we use to judge who we are, but sometimes to find the truth of our identities, we need look no further than inward. Honest self-evaluation, including willingness to admit imperfection and flaws, is our best tool for self-improvement.

Hopefully, if that tool does not work, we will have close friends and family around us that can help us see who we are. Best of luck to that guy, by no means is his situation 'easy' because it is not mine. Our struggles are our own, and our pains as significant as they can be, to us.